Is Your Help Silenced?

Have you ever done something nice for someone else? Was it because you were expected to or because you truly wanted to help? Let's say it's because you truly wanted to help. Did you help in a way that catered to your strengths or did you help in a way others wanted you to? The last question may or may not seem obvious. I was asked this question once and thought it was a simple answer. However, a recent event challenged my perception of the question.

Last week, I sat at a group meeting for an hour. To protect the group's identity, I will refer to the group as HELP. At HELP, they discussed ways others, who are not part of their community, can help advocate for their cause. In the middle of the meeting, I announced that I was one of those people and I wanted to help their cause in a different way, a way I knew very well. The way I knew would give them a voice and that voice would be explained to many people. Again, I can't give away what I proposed because I need to protect the group. To my surprise, the reaction was not received well. I received looks of shock, to the point where one girl looked scared. There was silence in the room for a good 30 seconds. The group members basically brushed off what I said and wanted to hear what the group members thought.

Hello?!? How can they expect their supporters to help them if they don't let their supporters help in ways they know how to help? Why is it that HELP is limited in their definition of help? Do they realize they pushed away a supportive person that night? Now, I can't say that I have given up on the cause HELP promotes, but the ways HELP reacted to my help made me feel "othered."

If you run an organization and you need all of the support and allies you can get, listen to what your allies have to say. Understand that each supporter and ally is unique and each can contribute in different ways. If you are an ally or supporter of any group and the group wants you to help based on their standards of helping, then you have every right to walk away. If a group truly wants your help, then they should be open-minded to what you have to offer.

Are You Having an Identity Crisis?

Do you know who you are? Could you effectively describe yourself to someone you've never met? When you talk about yourself, do you talk about the same few things or do you talk about a variety of topics? If you know exactly who you are and can communicate you effectively, I give you all the props in the world.

Many people I know cannot describe who they are; I used to be this way. I started school when I was 2 years old and went straight through till I was 26 years old. Okay, okay. I took a semester off to work in Admissions for a local college. Then, I went back to graduate school. Throughout my school years, I earned countless awards and received positive recognition for my accomplishments. At the ripe age of 26, I earned my Master's degree. What do I do now?!?

I spent countless hours creating cover letters and resumes, but had no luck. A month later, I joined a networking group to help me become an ideal candidate for a job. At my first meeting, I introduced myself, but my introduction was different. Everyone else communicated their name, the industry they were from, and the job they wanted. I could do the first 2, but the last one stumped me. I improvised and made everyone in the room laugh. Although I was successful at creating a first impression, why was I there? Who was I? What did I represent? Why was I there?

It was scary to realize I had no career plan. My entire identity was tied to education: research; professional experience; volunteer opportunities; and service experience. My portfolio was impressive....but not to industry professionals. I felt defeated and worthless. I spent the next few months taking personality, job, and industry assessments. Regardless of the number of hours I put into the assessments, along with networking, attending meetings, going on interviews, and polishing my cover letters and resumes, I still didn't know what I was after.

One day, someone asked me: "If you could do one job that would make you happy and you had to do it for free, what would it be?" At that moment, I knew the answer was right in front of my face the entire time; I wanted to be a Professor of Communication. For so long, I thought I was wasting my time. To my surprise, I needed to go through the self-awareness journey to figure out what I really wanted.

Going through the self-awareness journey taught me that I cannot place so much of my identity on one thing. When that thing (education) went away, I felt like my identity was gone forever. However, my identity was never gone; I needed to discover it. Yes, I did stay in education, but I no longer use it as my sole source of identity. I have hobbies, unique experiences, and things that make me unique. If you're going through an identity crisis, ask yourself why that may be the case. If you're trying to figure out who you are, take a detour. Go to places you've never been, talk to people you don't know, and make yourself vulnerable. By doing this, you will find who you are.

Have You Swept Under the Rug lately?

Do you want what you don't have? When you see pictures and posts of people living a happy and good life on social media, are you envious? Have you ever felt disappointed in yourself because you didn't achieve X by a certain age? Do you think you're a failure because the cards didn't align the way they were supposed to? If you said yes to any question I posed, then you're not alone.

Most days, it's easy for me to blow off the small things. However, I feel weakness every now and then; today is one of those days. Let's see, buy a home? I won't experience that anytime soon. I still have a few more years of school yet and have to work and achieve tenure before this thought realistically crosses my mind. Go on a vacation? Unless it's for an academic conference, forget this. Having a night out with friends? Hi, have you heard of graduate school? What are friends? Oh yes, they are journal articles, a computer, and textbooks. Gray hairs, why must you make me look like Rogue? Pay raise? What's that? Seeing people who are loved by everyone? As a person who follows the beat to my own drummer, I will never experience that feeling.

As you can see, what I am experiencing is not positive. If the nature of my blog is to help you become the better version of yourself, then why would I share my nasty thoughts with you? I am a human being. As a human being, I am not perfect. I am as flawed as the next person. However, if I am going to become the better version of myself, then I have to address the fact that I have these kinds of thoughts. It's easy to sweep them under the rug and pretend they don't exist, but that can open up pandora's box in the future.

If you are on your way to becoming a better person, acknowledge the flaws you have, the negative feelings you feel, and address the things that could hold you back. When you do this, you are giving yourself the courage to fight and conquer. By sharing my feelings of weakness with you, it is my hope that it gives you the strength to confront your own feelings of weakness and become better than you were yesterday. 

How Heavy is Your Bag?

Imagine you are carrying a huge backpack. You are in the woods and you must climb up and down different hills in order to get out and must wear the backpack the entire time. The number of items in the backpack looks like they belong in the closet of a typical female teenager, but they are items you would carry. Hand sanitizer? Check! Tissues? Coming up! A brick? You've got that, too! Well, you may not carry a brick in the woods, but I think you get the point. Think about the backpack as you walk through the woods. How hard is it to walk? Is it slowing you down? Do your shoulders ache? Are you getting in an extra workout? In the middle of the walk, you see a sign that reads you can remove half of the items from your bag. You start walking again. All of a sudden, you walk faster, your shoulders don't ache as much, and you're not as exhausted. Then, you see another sign a mile later that reads you can take off the backpack and leave it behind the remainder of the time. Now, how do you feel? Did it feel like 20 pounds were lifted off of your shoulders?

In life, you have experienced your fair share of trials and unfortunate experiences. As you get older, your backpack gets heavier. Each time your backpack is loaded, it becomes more difficult to move. You wish you could just put it all behind you and leave the hurt and frustrations in the past. Guess what? You can! Yes, you actually can do this. In the scenario above, you had to wait till the signs appeared before you were allowed to remove items. Life isn't that obvious. There are no signs that read it's time to take the burden off of your shoulders. You can do it now. Also, the scenario only let you take half of the items out of the bag. You may take everything out or you can take one thing out. Whatever you choose to do is your choice.If you take the frustrations and baggage out of your backpack sooner, you will be able to achieve your goals and become the best version of yourself sooner than you think. 

Is It Time to Swallow Your Pride?

Do you like to ask for help? Really, do you? If you do, what benefits come from uttering a few simple words? After you ask, do you feel better about your situation? Okay, okay. It may not sound like you. You may be the type of person who would rather do everything for yourself and not rely on anyone for assistance of any kind, which is perfectly fine. We live in a country where we gain success by working hard and doing things on your own.

Throughout the years, I have been the type of person who was too proud to ask for help. Why should I ask for help? As a self-learner, I should figure everything out on my own. If I did ask for help, it seemed like I was wasting the person's time, which made me stop seeking help altogether. As I've gotten older, I have realized that asking for help isn't a blow to my pride; it's the responsible thing to do.

Recently, I switched my research focus. My original focus was exploring the social construction of beauty in virtual worlds and whether or not those constructions impacted socially constructed meanings of beauty in the real world. I was comfortable with this topic. I knew which types of articles would help me and which ones wouldn't. It was easy to cite key scholars and foundational pieces of literature. Now, I am interested in studying social media from a critical cultural perspective. I am interested in understanding how social media is used as a tool to oppress certain groups of people (i.e., class, gender, sexual orientation, etc.), how it's used to "dumb down" the everyday person, to what extent it's used as a public sphere, and how the culture industry develops and shapes social media usage. Since this is a new research area for me, I can't rely on myself anymore. I need to ask for help from scholars who know about the difference aspects of my interests. Without seeking their help, I cannot become the best scholar, researcher, and teacher I can be.

You, or someone you know, may be embarking on a new journey. It can be scary, but it will make you better. If pride is getting in the way of your success, repeat these words to yourself:

+ I am not losing my ability to be a self-learner; I am enhancing it;
+ Asking for help will not make me weak; it will make me stronger;
+ I am not taking the easy way out; I am working smarter than I've worked my entire life;
+ I am not swallowing my pride; I will be better for the experience; and
+ I am not a failure; I will succeed!

What Do You See?

Have you ever held yourself back from doing something amazing? If so, why did you? Are you afraid of success? Is it easier to find comfort in past experiences? When you hold yourself back, do you make excuses to justify your actions? I have held myself back from many things because it has been easier to resort to what I know rather than exploring new territory. Well, it has been until now.

Last Saturday, I stared at myself in the mirror. Literally, I just stared. I examined every inch of my body. I wasn't concerned with my hair, clothes, or other things that can enhance my appearance. I am talking about body size. I was disgusted with the way I looked. The disgust isn't rooted from the images in magazines, on the Internet, and on TV. I know that celebrities are photoshopped and they have professionals who make them look good. What I faced in the mirror was something deeper.

I saw a little girl who went through puberty before all of her classmates: breast development, acne galore, and serious weight gain. Shopping was a pain back then because the only pants I could wear, at age 12, were stretch jeans. Boys were disgusted with the way I looked and it crushed me. Many peers were not tolerable of overweight peers. One minute, my clothes were too tight and I looked like a stuffed sausage. The next minute, they were too big and I looked like a sack of potatoes. In high school, I slimmed down in some areas and developed in others. I still wasn't thin by any means, but I started to look more like a feminine female. I received a few looks, but not from the boys I liked. I had a few friends, but always felt like the third wheel. My body size held me back from pursuing opportunities I wanted to explore, made me bitter, and sad.

Many years later, I have made considerable changes to my wardrobe, hair style, makeup, etc. However, there was still one thing glaring at me: my weight. Up until now, I made many excuses for my weight: genetics, slow metabolism, and the list could go on. However, my excuses were getting me no where. It was time to shatter the little girl that existed in my mind and eliminate the excuses. I can only let past thoughts hold me back from achieving a better body for so long. I have decided to start making life-changing health choices. It was time to eat foods that were good for me and eliminate the ones that weren't. Exercise was no longer a choice; it was a requirement for a long and healthy life. I can't say my life style change will be easy, but I know that it will be worth it in the end.

Now, it's your turn to face something that will dramatically improve your life. What is holding you back from achieving greatness? How can you change your situation? What steps do you need to take to ensure success? If you fear you will lose your way, don't be afraid. Find a support group, seek advice online, and do what you can to stay on the path of success. I cannot promise it will be an easy journey. However, if you stick out the journey, then success will come.

Does the World Owe You?

Have you ever met people who thought everyone owed them something because they had a rough childhood? Do classmates who constantly try to finagle extra credit or extensions on project deadlines, due to the fact that they are irresponsible and make excuses, irritate you? Does it annoy you when people claim they deserve to live the good life and own nice possessions because they know what "hard work" is, but they have only worked hard a couple days in their lives? When I meet people who fit my descriptions, it irritates me.

Throughout my life, there have been times when I thought life was unfair: people have made mean comments about me, I was frustrated because I never had the right last name, and my family wasn't financially wealthy. It was disheartening to know that opportunities I wanted available to me weren't there. Based on the information I provided, do you know how easy it would be to become self-entitled? It would be easy to say people "owe me" because I have dealt with hardship. However, I would not describe myself in this manner. Why? For starters, there are others who have had hardship in their lives. I can honestly say there are people who have had it rougher than myself. When I think about what others go through, it would be selfish to be self-entitled.

No one owes me anything. If I want something, I have to work for it. Life isn't always fair. There will be times when I am at the right place at the wrong time, managing family commitments and graduate student life can be difficult at times, and there will be days when everything goes wrong. When life doesn't seem fair, instead of suggesting people owe me, I think about the facts that I have an amazing family, I am currently in the process of earning my third college degree, and my basic survival needs are met.

If you know of someone who thinks s/he is self-entitled because they have had it rough or are spoiled, kindly remind them that they're blessed. There are many things to be thankful for in life and their situation can always be worse than it currently is. If, for some reason, the person is at their breaking point, be a support system and tell them that life only gets better.