Is "Can't" Your Crutch?

"I can't go to class today. I have a headache." "I want that jacket, but I can't afford it." "I can't complete this assignment because I don't have Internet access at home." Do you know of someone who's declared a similar statement? Have you verbal vomited one of the unmentionables? At one point or another, most people have.

I think people confuse the words can't and able. Can't is when you legitimately cannot do something; it's a handicap. Able means you're capable of doing something, but something could hinder you from achieving a task at hand; this is a disability. For example, Let's say someone is in a wheel chair. In order for this person to get around, things like elevators and wheel chair ramps must be available. If these things are available, the person can still get around. Even though s/he may or may not be able to walk, the resources are available to get around. If the resources are not there and no one will pick the person up, then the person cannot get around.

Keeping that perspective in mind, think back to the unmentionables I mentioned earlier. I hope you see how people use the word can't as a crutch. It's simply an excuse. If you really want to do something, and you had the resources available to make it happen, you would fly to the moon and back. Even if you don't have all the resources you need, you'd still find a way to make something work.

Let's refocus the word can't. Instead of saying you can't do something, say you choose not to do it. Which statement sounds better? A)"I can't afford to buy the iPhone." B)"I choose not to purchase the iPhone." I think statement B sounds better. Statement A implies that you physically do not have the money to buy the iPhone. This could be the case, but it can decrease your level of worth. Statement B implies that you choose how you spend your money. You're asserting will power and control in your life.

You may not always have options available to you. The number of resources you have may be slimmer to that of someone else. Heck, there may be the occasional day when you physically cannot do something. It's perfectly okay. Focus on what you are able to do and stop dwelling on what you can't do.

B-I-N-G-O, Bingo!

Have you played Bingo with 35-40 people over the age of 80? If so, do you remember the experience? If you haven't, then the following statements might help you to understand. "I 25." "What did he say?" "I 25!" "G 60." "I can't hear him." "I wish they'd stop complaining and whining." "Gertrude, look at the letter, then the number." "How did she get Bingo already?! Did he even shuffle the cards?!" "You can't play that Bingo board unless you pay for it." "I never win at this game." "Why does he keep calling all the numbers in the N column?!" "B 10." "I needed B 10, 10 games ago."

Ahh! What a headache. Try sitting through that noisome chatter for 20 minutes; it's exhausting and mentally draining. If you haven't figure it out by now, I played Bingo with this group of people. When I sat in the Bingo room, all I could think about is how almost everyone in the room was depressing and bitter. Specifically, I couldn't figure out why people got mad over something they couldn't control. How was it that a person could complain about a number from 10 games ago?! That game will never come back. What's the point in fussing about it? What's the point in planning for B 10 to be called again?

If you really think about it, life is a lot like a game of Bingo. It's impossible to go back 10 Bingo games to change the outcome. Do people worry about 10 games ago tomorrow? Most likely, the answer is no. In life, we can't change what's happened in the past. Sure, there are experiences we would like to hold onto forever and some we can't overcome. Regardless, what's done is done. The future holds more opportunities.

In Bingo, it's difficult to plan strategic moves. During the game, the only thing that can be controlled is what you mark on your board. We can't control the way the cards are shuffled, the other players, the other Bingo cards, etc. In life, we cannot control what other people do and say, the elements in mother nature, and so forth. However, you can look at your own life; focus on what you can control, today. A degree of planning is necessary for the future, but, sometimes, the best moments are the ones that happen now.

The next time you find yourself worrying excessively about the past, or the future, think of now. Will the decisions I make now make me a better person tomorrow? Have I done enough today to make my family proud? Did I accomplish everything on my to-do list today? If you start thinking about your life as if it were a game of Bingo, then you may be the next lucky person to yell BINGO!

Have a 5 Star Day!

When you look for a new restaurant to try, hotel to stay in, or look at company ratings, which areas would you explore? One place I will look at is the rating of the establishment. The establishment will be rated out of five stars, five being the best rating. When a business, product, or other reviewed product or service receives a high star markup, taking a chance on it is favorable. If you see a low star rating, would you run for the hills? 

What about you? What is your star rating? If it's anything below a five (5), would you run from you? The last time I checked, it's impossible to run away from yourself. Since it's impossible, instead of focusing on why you are not a 5 star rating, let's refocus your thoughts.

To demonstrate how to evaluate your 5 star day, I would like for you to examine the following areas in your life (one star per dimension): physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and social. If you didn't catch on to what I just listed, these are 5 main dimensions of wellness. Each dimension focuses on a different aspect of your life, hence the 5 star day.

Dig deep and be honest with yourself. Out of 5 stars, how would you truly rate yourself? If your total is less than a 5, then look at your life and determine what you need to change in order to get there. It may happen overnight; it may take a while. It's never too late to begin.

After you've determined where you stand, regardless of current star rating, here is what I would like for you to do. Each night, before you go to bed, write one positive thing about your day for each dimension of wellness (in bold above). For example, did you attend the dreaded networking event? Were you pleasantly surprised with a grade you received on an assignment? Have you achieved your fitness goal for the day? 

If you do this every day, you will begin to see a change in your mindset. I challenge you to do this activity for one calendar year. If you are a 5 star rating now, will you maintain that a year from now? If you need to set goals and achieve them, will you become a 5 star rating? When you think of yourself as a 5 star rating, you will have a 5 star day!

Dare to be Different

When I was put onto Earth, I was born with a genetic makeup. My genetic makeup determined the color of my eyes, weight, possible illnesses and diseases that could be passed down to me, and so forth. Some days, I think I am blessed  because I do not have major health related issues to deal with on a daily basis. Other days, I wonder how I ended up the way I am.

Growing up, I used my genetic makeup as a crutch; I didn't fit in a particular social clique. My attempt to try and solve this issue was to become actively involved in extra curricular activities. In high school and college, I was involved in service-learning and volunteering groups, wellness groups, groups for "smart" people, and communications related activities. I competed in a pageant 4 times; I didn't make it past round one. I also rushed for sorority; I was the only person in my bid class who didn't receive a bid.

For the longest time, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I blamed my genetic makeup for having the inability to fit in. Did I inherit my mom's trait of being too helpful? Was it my grandmas's overly critical mind? How about my dad's ability to shut someone out of his life when he's had enough? I spent so many years blaming my family dynamic. I could not figure out why I never fit in anywhere.

One day, 2 of my aunts and I were discussing our family dynamic. During the conversation, one aunt mentioned how, in my family, people follow the beat of his or her own drummer. After hearing that statement, it became clear. My genetic makeup had nothing to do with not fitting in. I grew up in a family where being different was normal. The focus was not on surrounding myself with large numbers of people; it was about surrounding myself with quality people who like me for me.

After that day, I take pride in being different. I am not ashamed to be a kid at heart; it maintains my youth and energy. I am not labeled into a category; it allows me to define myself and to step out of my comfort zone when other people will not. Being myself has opened my soul and I am no longer held down by my internal ball and chain. To this day, I wonder if being different is genetic to some degree. All I know is that at the end of each day, I can honestly say that I remain true to who I am.

Become a "Perfect 10"

How many times have you heard the phrase "S/he's a perfect 10!" uttered? If you've heard it as many times as I have, then you've lost count. It's easy to become consumed with looking a certain way. Generally speaking, females and males are "supposed" to look impeccable. On the flip side, what's important is who a person is internally. Looks go away over time, but one's character remains.

Has it occurred, to you, why people honestly focus on external qualities more than internal ones? Here's an answer I've speculated for quite some time: it's what they know! Think about it. Superficial qualities don't require much thought and they can serve as bandages for other issues. The internal qualities require more maintenance. Many people don't have a good grasp of who they are until their late 20s. Even then, people change over time. How are you supposed to know who you are if you keep changing?! Wow! That can give someone a headache just thinking about it.

Look, I don't have all the answers; I do know that if you desire to become a "Perfect 10," then a change in mindset needs to happen.You need to start understanding who you are on a continual basis. If you don't keep up with yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to?

Recently, I read a book titled What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard N. Bolles. At the end of chapter 5, he proposed a simple exercise. I will call it the "Perfect 10" exercise.

Here's how to become a "Perfect 10"! Keep a running list of the 10 things:
I want to have
I want to do
I want to learn
I want to give

After you complete the exercise, carry your responses with you wherever you go. Update your list as often as you would like. It will help you to see how you evolve overtime. Remember, becoming a "Perfect 10" isn't about looking a certain way. It's about knowing who you are and where you stand in life. Once you know who you are, don't let anyone take it away from you.

Toast to The Master

In today's society, we have access to technological luxuries like text messenger, the iPad, and the Kindle. Libraries have books and journal articles available online; paying bills became simpler with automated pay. As people take advantage of these resources, something else happens. One's ability to effectively communicate has decreased significantly. I do not have scientific evidence to prove this. However, behaviors that are displayed are no longer transparent. Students browse on Facebook in the middle of class and people will text to fill in the silence. When I think about these things, I ponder the following question: Have we lost the art of human conversation? 

I don't think human conversation has run dry-yet. It is an inevitable skill that is necessary to survive, but one that is not practiced as much as it should be. Is it more convenient to send an e-mail or a quick text message? Sometimes it is and sometimes it's not. Regardless of convenience, stop making excuses! It is easier to just make the phone call or meet up with someone in-person to discuss what needs to be discussed. 

Instead of making excuses, start taking control of your life. I am not the keeper of all knowledge, but I do know that if you exercise communicating effectively in-person, it will become easier. With that said, here is my challenge to you. Join your local Toastmasters International group. Toastmasters is a group designed to improve and enhance public speaking and leadership skills. As you develop these skills, you will improve your ability to communicate, in-person, with those around you. Eventually, what will happen is that you will prefer to communicate in this fashion. 

I know, I know. "The group meets when it's not convenient with my schedule." "They meet too early in the morning." "I don't fit in with this group of people." Again, stop making excuses! You are creating an unnecessary filter. If one group doesn't meet your needs, then find a different group. In fact, I highly encourage you to shop around. No two groups do things the exact same way. One group model might appeal to you over other models. If you give the group a chance, and allow yourself to get out of your comfort zone, you will receive rewards that exceed your expectations.

In closing, to you, I say this: Raise your glass high and cheers to the best you!

Pay it forward

Have you ever muttered the motto "What's in it for me ?" At one point or another, many of us have. I am guilty of preaching this motto. It is easy to do when we live in a society that focuses on the individual. It can be anything from having your own bedroom, not sharing toys as a child, when you will land that dream job, how much will you make per year, etc. I mean, it makes sense to think about you because it is your life. 

It is important to keep you in mind as you progress through life. However, there comes a time when thinking about only you does harm. For example, have you ever pushed others to work harder in a group for the sole purpose of saving your grade in a class? Have you seen someone walking within a close distance and you neglect to hold the door open for s/he because you're "in a hurry"? Has someone helped you pick up the load of papers you dropped but you walk passed someone else who has, and do nothing? 

As you look at the previous statements, think to yourself if you've been in similar situations. What did you do? Did you help? Think about helping and do nothing? Think nothing of it? I hope you chose to help. If not, it is never too late to start helping others.

Every day, there are numerous opportunities to lend a helping hand. If you don't know where to begin, try smiling at someone you normally wouldn't. Just because someone seems okay on the outside doesn't mean s/he is on the inside. Open a door for someone, volunteer once a week as a tutor for an hour, tip an extra dollar at the restaurant, connect someone with a useful contact, recommend an organization for growth, and so forth.

When you do for others, others will do for you. It may not be right away. It may not appear to be obvious. Allow yourself to be open-minded to the gifts people give. When you do this, it gives you more ways to help others.