Are You Exhausted?

When you live your day-to-day life, what thoughts consume you? Are your thoughts happy ones that make life worth living or do they cause you internal pain? I hope you chose the first of the two. If not, then you're not alone. Within the past week, I have witnessed people expressing thoughts that revolve around anger, pain, greed, envy, and jealousy. These thoughts consumed their conversations with other people, which makes me wonder how often people consume these kinds of thoughts.

I used to consume thoughts that were not healthy. In the past, I put myself down for not looking a certain way, pleasing people enough, not being well-liked, and not being the best at anything. When I looked around me, I wanted to live a different life. Why was I not noticed? How come others were chosen over me? Was there something wrong with me?!? For a long time, I thought there was. It didn't matter how hard I tried; I just couldn't win.

Recently, I noticed a significant change within myself. I started caring less about what others thought of me and started determining who I was and what I needed to do to live a happy life. As I went through this transition, changes had to be made. One change I have experienced is my ability to say no. In the past, I may have given into peer pressure and do something I didn't want to do (i.e., hang out with someone and stay out later than I wanted to). Now, I am comfortable turning down an opportunity without hesitation. Sure, it doesn't create a positive impression, but I would rather not be liked for being me than be liked for being someone I am not.

Giving into peer pressure was exhausting! I spent so much time pleasing others that I forgot how to make myself happy. When I gave into it, it caused resentment, sadness, and jealousy. Since I have started saying no, my thoughts have become happy. It is amazing to live the life I want to live, not the life others think I should live.

If you're in a situation where you want to say no, but don't want to hurt others, then do this for me: stop concerning yourself with the thoughts of others. If their opinion of you is what dictates your life, then you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people. I understand you can't always avoid these people. However, if you surround yourself with people who respect when you say no, then you will create a calm, peaceful, and happy life. It may give you an uneasy feeling at first, but you will reap the long-term benefits of saying no. 

Distance Doesn't Define Dedication

Have you ever moved away from loved ones? If you have, did people give you a hard time about it? When distance forces you to decline a hang out, do the people in your life understand or become annoyed? Perhaps you did not move, but know of someone who moved far away. Was it easy to cope with the move or did you become resentful? Recently, my family and I unanimously decided to move a few hours away from our hometown. My husband and I decided if we wanted to create the best possible future for our family, we had to relocate. Along the way, we have experienced many challenges. One challenge is not being able to visit loved ones when we want to. Before we moved, it was simple to attend events. Now, we have to decline hangouts. It's not that we don't want to hang out with people; it's the farthest thought from the truth. The reality is that it is not possible most of the time.

My husband and I are both Ph.D. students. If you're not familiar with what this entails, it involves working from home 90-95% of the time. It's not the type of job where you dedicate X number of hours per week and then you're done. We are expected to know our discipline like the back of our heads. Then, we have our Graduate Assistantship responsibilities. Since we are good workers, we take pride knowing we perform at the highest level. Guess what? This requires us to work more hours. Let's not forget that we are required to submit research to conferences and journals, which requires us to work more hours. Now, this is where it becomes "glamorous." We work for little pay (for now). Have I mentioned the number of deadlines we must meet?!?

Now, I want to call your attention to why our situation prevents us from seeing hometown people. Our work schedule keeps us busy. If you were to put a camera inside of our home, you would become bored with our academic conversations. If we were to go back to our hometown to visit people, it would take time away from what we need to accomplish. Now, let's add in the fact that we have to be smart with our funds. Until we become professors, we will not make a lot of money. This means we have to carefully plan each trip we make up north.  I shared our story with you because I don't want you to feel alone. Those who can relate to the challenges of being far away are probably praising the love language I am writing. If you are dealing with a loved one not being present, then the following advice may help you to cope:

-Just because a person moved far away doesn't mean the person loves or cares about you less than they did before. It may be difficult to understand now, but the person is trying to create a better life for him or herself.
-Technology does exist. If you miss someone, send a text or social media message. The person you miss will respond back if they miss you, too.
-Put yourself in their situation. If you were to move away to better yourself, would you want people to support your decision or display jealous behaviors?

Let's Get Back to the Basics

Did you go shopping on Black Friday? Have you started baking holiday cookies and wrapping gifts? Is it a yearly tradition to wait till the last minute to do everything for Christmas? Are you stressed out about seeing family members you don't like? Do my questions give you a headache? When I wrote them, they gave me a headache.

Each year, I see more people become stressed over the holiday season. It's disheartening to see people look at Christmas ads during Thanksgiving. Why can't people enjoy time with their loved ones? When I see people walking around stores stressed and spending next year's money, I feel sorry for them. Why do those people make decisions based on one time of year? Would those people make the same decisions if it wasn't that time of year? If I come in contact with materialistic family members, all they care about is what others will buy their children? Can't they just appreciate what other people do for their kids?

Growing up, I remember people being happy during the Christmas season. My mom baked cookies in the kitchen, I saw Christmas lights at night, ate too much food, decorated the tree, and spent time with loved ones. This way of life seems basic to me, and it's the type of life I still live. I question why people get caught up in the unnecessary hoopla.

I understand how easy it is to become consumed by hallmark and pop culture. Advertisers make people think they need certain things when they really don't, which means people (in general, not aimed at a specific person) are spending more money than they need to. A time of year that used to fill people with joy has filled them with greed and jealousy.

I want everyone to get back to the basics. Forget about the material presents, sales, and newspaper ads. Let's take the time to enjoy loved ones, partake in traditional holiday activities, and remind ourselves why the holiday season is so special. Light holiday-scented candles, put on holiday music, drink hot cider/cocoa, and watch a holiday movie. Okay, okay, I know what I suggest may or may not sound like what you would want to do. However, if you take the time to enjoy life and those who are in it, then it will help to make the holiday season merry, joyous, and bright.

Are You a Bully?

"Why can't I lose that last five pounds? I just want to be back to my high school/pre-pregnancy/ college weight." "No matter how hard I study, I can't get above a B to save my life." "I have spent so much time trying to make myself look good, but (insert name of person) won't even look twice." Do these statements sound familiar? When you think about them, do you become frustrated? Does life seem like a losing battle? Fear not. Yours truly can relate to you.

Throughout my life, I was really mean to myself. I never thought I was thin enough to wear a swimsuit, pretty enough to get a date, smart enough to get the most prestigious scholarships, talented enough to win a contest, cool enough to fit in, and poised enough to be taken seriously. Trust me when I say a diet of eggs and grapefruit juice/Lean Cuisine meals, wearing enough makeup to make a 15 year old look 24,  and being the embodiment of a brand whore is not the way to improve yourself. I was that person; it didn't work. I was a hypocrite. I hated bullies, but I was one of my biggest bullies. Do you know how much energy it took to strongly dislike myself? I could have stared at myself in the mirror for hours and dissected myself. Sometimes, I think I made myself cry.

As time went on, I started to become more comfortable in my own skin. Instead of blaming outside circumstances and the genetic lottery for my shortcomings, I started to focus on what I could control. I cut back my food portions and focus on savoring my bites rather than scarfing my meal down in two bites. I learned how to apply makeup in a way that was age appropriate. Poise developed as I became a working professional. My intelligence is constantly evolving. I have made peace with the fact that I am not like everyone else in the world and now embrace my quirks.

Sometimes, there will be things that are beyond your control. However, if you are not happy with who you are, only you can stop bullying yourself and start being kind to you. After I stopped bullying myself, I noticed a difference in myself. For starters, I am now happier than I have ever been. Beyond this, I went from thriving in dramatic situations to avoiding them like the plague; negative energy is not healthy. In the past, I engaged academics from a position of competitiveness and criticism. Now, I engage them from a position of maturity and professional growth. Put simply, I have learned to accept who I am and to embrace the shoes I walk in daily.