Are You Exhausted?

When you live your day-to-day life, what thoughts consume you? Are your thoughts happy ones that make life worth living or do they cause you internal pain? I hope you chose the first of the two. If not, then you're not alone. Within the past week, I have witnessed people expressing thoughts that revolve around anger, pain, greed, envy, and jealousy. These thoughts consumed their conversations with other people, which makes me wonder how often people consume these kinds of thoughts.

I used to consume thoughts that were not healthy. In the past, I put myself down for not looking a certain way, pleasing people enough, not being well-liked, and not being the best at anything. When I looked around me, I wanted to live a different life. Why was I not noticed? How come others were chosen over me? Was there something wrong with me?!? For a long time, I thought there was. It didn't matter how hard I tried; I just couldn't win.

Recently, I noticed a significant change within myself. I started caring less about what others thought of me and started determining who I was and what I needed to do to live a happy life. As I went through this transition, changes had to be made. One change I have experienced is my ability to say no. In the past, I may have given into peer pressure and do something I didn't want to do (i.e., hang out with someone and stay out later than I wanted to). Now, I am comfortable turning down an opportunity without hesitation. Sure, it doesn't create a positive impression, but I would rather not be liked for being me than be liked for being someone I am not.

Giving into peer pressure was exhausting! I spent so much time pleasing others that I forgot how to make myself happy. When I gave into it, it caused resentment, sadness, and jealousy. Since I have started saying no, my thoughts have become happy. It is amazing to live the life I want to live, not the life others think I should live.

If you're in a situation where you want to say no, but don't want to hurt others, then do this for me: stop concerning yourself with the thoughts of others. If their opinion of you is what dictates your life, then you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people. I understand you can't always avoid these people. However, if you surround yourself with people who respect when you say no, then you will create a calm, peaceful, and happy life. It may give you an uneasy feeling at first, but you will reap the long-term benefits of saying no. 

Distance Doesn't Define Dedication

Have you ever moved away from loved ones? If you have, did people give you a hard time about it? When distance forces you to decline a hang out, do the people in your life understand or become annoyed? Perhaps you did not move, but know of someone who moved far away. Was it easy to cope with the move or did you become resentful? Recently, my family and I unanimously decided to move a few hours away from our hometown. My husband and I decided if we wanted to create the best possible future for our family, we had to relocate. Along the way, we have experienced many challenges. One challenge is not being able to visit loved ones when we want to. Before we moved, it was simple to attend events. Now, we have to decline hangouts. It's not that we don't want to hang out with people; it's the farthest thought from the truth. The reality is that it is not possible most of the time.

My husband and I are both Ph.D. students. If you're not familiar with what this entails, it involves working from home 90-95% of the time. It's not the type of job where you dedicate X number of hours per week and then you're done. We are expected to know our discipline like the back of our heads. Then, we have our Graduate Assistantship responsibilities. Since we are good workers, we take pride knowing we perform at the highest level. Guess what? This requires us to work more hours. Let's not forget that we are required to submit research to conferences and journals, which requires us to work more hours. Now, this is where it becomes "glamorous." We work for little pay (for now). Have I mentioned the number of deadlines we must meet?!?

Now, I want to call your attention to why our situation prevents us from seeing hometown people. Our work schedule keeps us busy. If you were to put a camera inside of our home, you would become bored with our academic conversations. If we were to go back to our hometown to visit people, it would take time away from what we need to accomplish. Now, let's add in the fact that we have to be smart with our funds. Until we become professors, we will not make a lot of money. This means we have to carefully plan each trip we make up north.  I shared our story with you because I don't want you to feel alone. Those who can relate to the challenges of being far away are probably praising the love language I am writing. If you are dealing with a loved one not being present, then the following advice may help you to cope:

-Just because a person moved far away doesn't mean the person loves or cares about you less than they did before. It may be difficult to understand now, but the person is trying to create a better life for him or herself.
-Technology does exist. If you miss someone, send a text or social media message. The person you miss will respond back if they miss you, too.
-Put yourself in their situation. If you were to move away to better yourself, would you want people to support your decision or display jealous behaviors?

Let's Get Back to the Basics

Did you go shopping on Black Friday? Have you started baking holiday cookies and wrapping gifts? Is it a yearly tradition to wait till the last minute to do everything for Christmas? Are you stressed out about seeing family members you don't like? Do my questions give you a headache? When I wrote them, they gave me a headache.

Each year, I see more people become stressed over the holiday season. It's disheartening to see people look at Christmas ads during Thanksgiving. Why can't people enjoy time with their loved ones? When I see people walking around stores stressed and spending next year's money, I feel sorry for them. Why do those people make decisions based on one time of year? Would those people make the same decisions if it wasn't that time of year? If I come in contact with materialistic family members, all they care about is what others will buy their children? Can't they just appreciate what other people do for their kids?

Growing up, I remember people being happy during the Christmas season. My mom baked cookies in the kitchen, I saw Christmas lights at night, ate too much food, decorated the tree, and spent time with loved ones. This way of life seems basic to me, and it's the type of life I still live. I question why people get caught up in the unnecessary hoopla.

I understand how easy it is to become consumed by hallmark and pop culture. Advertisers make people think they need certain things when they really don't, which means people (in general, not aimed at a specific person) are spending more money than they need to. A time of year that used to fill people with joy has filled them with greed and jealousy.

I want everyone to get back to the basics. Forget about the material presents, sales, and newspaper ads. Let's take the time to enjoy loved ones, partake in traditional holiday activities, and remind ourselves why the holiday season is so special. Light holiday-scented candles, put on holiday music, drink hot cider/cocoa, and watch a holiday movie. Okay, okay, I know what I suggest may or may not sound like what you would want to do. However, if you take the time to enjoy life and those who are in it, then it will help to make the holiday season merry, joyous, and bright.

Are You a Bully?

"Why can't I lose that last five pounds? I just want to be back to my high school/pre-pregnancy/ college weight." "No matter how hard I study, I can't get above a B to save my life." "I have spent so much time trying to make myself look good, but (insert name of person) won't even look twice." Do these statements sound familiar? When you think about them, do you become frustrated? Does life seem like a losing battle? Fear not. Yours truly can relate to you.

Throughout my life, I was really mean to myself. I never thought I was thin enough to wear a swimsuit, pretty enough to get a date, smart enough to get the most prestigious scholarships, talented enough to win a contest, cool enough to fit in, and poised enough to be taken seriously. Trust me when I say a diet of eggs and grapefruit juice/Lean Cuisine meals, wearing enough makeup to make a 15 year old look 24,  and being the embodiment of a brand whore is not the way to improve yourself. I was that person; it didn't work. I was a hypocrite. I hated bullies, but I was one of my biggest bullies. Do you know how much energy it took to strongly dislike myself? I could have stared at myself in the mirror for hours and dissected myself. Sometimes, I think I made myself cry.

As time went on, I started to become more comfortable in my own skin. Instead of blaming outside circumstances and the genetic lottery for my shortcomings, I started to focus on what I could control. I cut back my food portions and focus on savoring my bites rather than scarfing my meal down in two bites. I learned how to apply makeup in a way that was age appropriate. Poise developed as I became a working professional. My intelligence is constantly evolving. I have made peace with the fact that I am not like everyone else in the world and now embrace my quirks.

Sometimes, there will be things that are beyond your control. However, if you are not happy with who you are, only you can stop bullying yourself and start being kind to you. After I stopped bullying myself, I noticed a difference in myself. For starters, I am now happier than I have ever been. Beyond this, I went from thriving in dramatic situations to avoiding them like the plague; negative energy is not healthy. In the past, I engaged academics from a position of competitiveness and criticism. Now, I engage them from a position of maturity and professional growth. Put simply, I have learned to accept who I am and to embrace the shoes I walk in daily.

Impersonate? Perhaps. Replicate? I Think Not.

Do you want what others have? Are you intimidated by those who have accomplished more than you? If you find out that someone may be more qualified for an opportunity than you, do you stop giving your all and slowly give up? I wish every person could answer these questions with "no." However, many people I have spoken to recently would answer "yes."

For a long time, I would have answered every question with "yes." Even though I worked hard, I constantly focused on the wrong things. I was envious if someone had more accomplishments, a better job/job title, received an opportunity I thought should have gone to me, and the list could go on forever. Needless to say, no matter how much I accomplished, I was never happy.Since I was not happy, I spent ample time blaming everything and everyone for my frustrations. Do you know how simple it was for me to blame the politics of an organization for my lack of success? Can you imagine how easy it was to compare myself to others and try to justify the situation in an attempt to ease the hurt? It was really simple to do. In fact, it was so simple to do that it hid the fact that I refused to take accountability for my own actions and thoughts.

One day, I wondered how I could prevent myself from comparing myself to others. At first, I drove myself crazy because the answer was not obvious. Seven months ago, I sat and listened to a panel discussion about differentiating myself from everyone else. Once I left the meeting, it clicked. In order to stop comparing myself to others, I had to start focusing on what made me different and stop focusing on how to be the best. Why would I stop focusing on being the best and start focusing on being different? If I am the best at something, someone else could become better, which makes them the best. Instead, I look at what makes me different. If I am different from everyone else, then how can anyone duplicate me? They can try to impersonate, but an exact replication is impossible.

I want you to follow suit. Think about what makes you different. Do you have a knack for taking initiative in any situation? Can you talk your way to any sale? Does your ability to reason allow you to be an excellent mediator? After you think about your experiences, determine how you can package and deliver them. When you figure out how to do this, you still stop comparing yourself to others and begin to focus on bettering yourself.

Huh?

Do you get writer's blog? Have you had a day when you just can't seem to think of a good idea? When's the last time you sat in front of a computer screen and couldn't find writing inspiration? Does this drive you crazy? If so, you're not alone. To be honest, I am going through this exact dilemma right now-literally. Huh? "Why would you write a blog when you have nothing to write about tonight?" It's weird how this works, but bear with me.

A few weeks ago, I was in the process of writing a research paper. It was the ideal night for working. I had no other obligations, all house chores were finished, and I did not have other homework that night. Why was it that I was uninspired on the ideal work night?!? Ugh! I hate it when this happens. My lack of creativity could not have come at a worse time. A while back, I had every intention of working on a research report. Guess what? I wasn't motivated that day. Why, why, why?!? I could continue giving examples, but I think you get the point.

What do I do when I am not feeling inspired? I walk away. Could I struggle to get past my mental roadblocks and force myself to produce a document? Sure, why not? However, I have noticed that if I walk away from what I am doing and go back to it the next day, the work I produce is significantly better. If I am to become a better version of myself, I have to know how to use my weak moments to my advantage, and I encourage you to do the same. The beauty of this is that it doesn't just apply to writing.

If you're an athlete and you're messing up a technique you normally master, take a break, get your mind right, and then try again. Perhaps you are an avid camper. Setting up a tent is second nature to you. Let's say you are setting up a tent and you just can't get it. Step back, breathe, and start again. What if you're learning something new? Many times, it can be challenging to learn something new for the first time. When you become frustrated, step away from what you are doing, reflect on it, and then try again. If you're interacting with another person and they don't want to listen to you, walk away, cool down, and then continue the interaction.

It's easy to say "Inspiration is all around you. All you have to do is look for it." News flash: it isn't always that simple. Sometimes, finding it is like pulling teeth out of a whale's mouth. However, if you take a moment to remove yourself from a situation, you will find the motivation with a clear mind. Go ahead, try it. You may just surprise yourself.

Silver Lining

Do you complain about the weather? Is it too hot? Did it get too cold too soon? Has the rain ruined your good hair day? Was the wind blowing so hard that you questioned why you left your place? I understand the weather struggle. As a full-fledged resident of the state of Ohio, I get all four seasons in one day. Are you tired of the rain?  Wait 20 minutes and it will be 90 degrees. Are you sick of the humidity? Wait another 20 minutes and it will cool down again. One morning there's snow on your car. By the time afternoon rolls around, you want to take off all of your clothes. Trust me when I say I understand the weather struggle.

When I think about the weather, I could easily complain about weather all year long. When the weather is bipolar, it is easy to get frustrated. However, to cope with the weather, I take the following position: I will take hot weather over cold weather any day. Before you tell me I am crazy, I have my reasons. For starters, I strongly dislike being cold. The thought of shivering outside does not appeal to me. I don't like to scrape snow and ice off of my car windows, adapting to drastic temperature changes as I walk in and out of buildings, ruining the bottoms of my pants, worrying whether or not I will slip and fall in shoes designed for the elements, hoping my car will start when it is negative 20 degrees, and wearing my winter coat inside of buildings because the heat is not turned on. I dislike the tip of my nose getting cold, having to use a heating pad just to keep my hands warm, hoping my winter-proof coat will keep me warm, dealing with hands that easily get dried out. Have I mentioned that I get cold easily and my body temperature runs cooler than most people I know?

As you can see, I have many reasons to justify why I would take hot over cold weather any day. Guess what? It is cold and I cannot do anything about it. What can I do to make this situation better? I could keep complaining. It's safe to complain about it because I know I am not the only one who has this opinion. Does my complaining accomplish anything? Nope! The weather is not magically going to become warmer because of my complaints. How can I cope with the cold weather? I find the silver lining. Northern Ohio got hit with a lot of snow. In Southern Ohio, I saw a few flakes. They were the pretty powdery flakes that came down slowly. All I could think was that I was happy to not deal with massive amounts of snow so soon. I used to be jealous of those who did not have to deal with much snow before winter. Now, I am one of those people. Let me tell you-it feels good! Was it cold today? You better believe it! However, when I saw the snow the north was getting, my cold weather complaints went away. Does the difference in snow amounts change the fact that I don't like cold weather. No it does not. Here's what it does to me: it gives me hope. I know there will be at least one place that gets hit worse than where I live. If ample amounts of snow excites you, then that means there is more for you to enjoy. I know where I am comfortable taking my losses. :-)

Are You a Kind Person?

Do you consider yourself to be a kind person? If the elderly person cannot lift something, are you there to save the day? When someone needs a favor, do you go through with it? Does it make you feel good to do nice things for other people? If people are made fun of, will you be the brave person to stick up for them? The questions I asked are ones that kind people have no trouble answering. A kind person receives pleasure knowing they are kind to other people.

When I think about kindness, I think it can be easier to be kind to other people than it is to be kind to myself. I can tell and do nice things for other people all day, but the thought of being kind to me used to sound absurd. If you are having difficulty visualizing what I am saying, think about all the times you stood in front of the mirror and nitpicked your physical appearance. "Why is my waistline so big?" "Was I really blessed with bad acne?" "How come my thighs look like they want to eat Earth?" If you cannot relate to personal physical insults, then you may have been mean to yourself in other ways. "Why can't I be a smart as him?" "How come s/he gets every job, but I can't get an employer to look at me? Is it because I am not worthy of an employer's attention?" "Why is her life so perfect? How come I am being punished for not being perfect or rich enough?"

Stop being mean to yourself! You will drive yourself crazy! Gray hairs, brittle nails, headaches, and tears are not worth it. I used to be mean to myself. Even when I had it good, I still wondered why I wasn't happy. Unless I started being kind to myself, I would never be happy. To be honest with you, it was really hard at first. I didn't want to believe I was good enough. I lived my entire life with a chip on my shoulders. It weighed on my mind and affected every category of wellness.

I knew I had to put an end to the torture I put myself through. Think about it: it was torture I chose to endure. Since it was a choice I made initially, I made the choice to become better, I began doing a few things that changed my life. I began by being patient with myself. Some days, I will be comfortable in my skin. Other days, I will not feel great. Being patient with myself has allowed me to embrace my body and mind. Once I accomplished this, then I started giving myself compliments and gave myself pep talks. After this, I took a long look at my past. I held onto a lot of unnecessary baggage. I had to forgive events and people who caused me pain. From here on out, all areas of my life were impacted positively.

I know it can be easier to be kind to others, but not to yourself. Anyone can find the right words to say to someone else. However, you cannot escape yourself. The words you speak and the thoughts you think will not leave you, which makes it that much more important to be kind to yourself. I cannot guarantee how happy you will become if you choose to be kind to yourself,, but I can tell you is that it is worth trying.

Is It Time to Self-Evaluate?

When is the last time you took a good look at yourself and asked what you could do to become a better ______________ (student, worker, parents, partner, etc.)? If you haven't done this, why not? Is it because you are afraid to admit your flaws? Does the idea of confronting yourself scare you? If self-confrontation freaks you out, then you are most likely not alone.

Many people I know don't want to confront themselves. It's difficult enough to receive feedback  from other people, but to truly accept it as your reality takes confrontation to a different level. Think about it: if someone tells you something, it's easy to dismiss it. However, when you tell yourself something, where do you run and hide? You can't escape your thoughts, which means you can't escape the issue at hand.

I used to strongly dislike evaluating myself. Who wants to think that they are flawed? I know I didn't. When it comes to evaluating my character and positions I've held, I was used to hearing what others had to say. However, looking at myself and accepting it as my reality scared the crap out of me! Accepting my flaws as my reality meant I was shifting my identity.

One day, I realized I couldn't run from myself anymore. If I wanted to become a professional and human being, I had to confront myself and become committed to self-evaluation. Before, if I made a mistake, I blamed everyone and everything else for my flaw. Now, I look at myself and determine what I can do in the future to improve myself. Will I always be my worst critic? You better believe it. However, I know that if I remain committed to self-growth, I will excel in every area of my life.

Does Time Really Heal Hurt?

Have you heard of this quote?: "Time heals all wounds." Do you agree with the quote? If so, why? If not, why not? As you think about how you answered the question, think about these things: When is it preached to you? Why is it spoken? What do you think when someone says it? It's one of those quotes that people use when someone else is going through an unfortunate situation. Quite frankly, it's a safe quote to use during a time of hurt. 

Do I agree with the quote? No, I don't. "Huh! Why do you not agree with it? Do you not think that time heals all wounds? Do major life events just magically heal themselves?" The quote I wrote is what I would have said to someone 10 year ago. Like everyone else I know, I have experienced my fair share of major life events and hurtful experiences. Death, family divorce, mean people, and life's curve balls have made their way into my arsenal of memories. Trust me when I say I have experienced my fair share of hurtful experiences. 

When I think about the hurtful experiences in my life, I used to think that time could cure what had happened to me. After a while, I still felt hurt as if it felt like the events happened the same day. Why wasn't time healing my wounds? Guess what? This quote was not applicable to my life. I realized I had to do something about my hurt. I do think time can aid in healing wounds, but I also must work to make the hurt go away. I must take the time to realize what I can do to aid in the healing process. 

Wounds and hurt are inevitable. It will happen to everyone. If you sit around and wait for time to take care of your wounds, your wounds won't go away. You need to take control of yourself and realize you are capable of making the wounds go away. Instead of saying "time heals all wounds," say "time heals nothing unless I move along with it." 

Be Kind to Overachievers

Are you a determined, ambitious, passionate, driven, and energetic person? Would you be willing to work insane hours just to perfect an assignment? Do you expect nothing but the best? If these questions sound like you, then you may identify yourself as an overachiever. All you want is to be the best at what you do and nothing can get in your way. If this doesn't sound like you, then you may know of someone like this. There is also a possibility that you are rolling your eyes right now.

The non-overachiever may see the overachiever as stubborn, stern, and a pain in (insert your word(s) of choice here). Each time you think about this person, you want to throw bricks at the person, wish the person would stop trying so hard. It could be frustrating to work with this type of person because s/he may not always communicate expectations. Perhaps the expectations of this person are unrealistic for many people to achieve.

If you're an overachiever, I am about to give a positive voice to you. There are things you want to tell the world, but won't because people may simply not understand. As a fellow overachiever, I will be the voice for all overachievers. If I could tell non-overachievers what it's like to be an overachiever, it would look something like this:

-They are extremely driven. Why is the overachiever driven? I cannot speak for everyone, but I know that my drive is rooted in a few key life experiences. I am driven because I don't want to be average. I know I am above average. To me, average is not a choice. I am aware of my capabilities. If I don't perform at the level I know I can, then I am disappointing myself. I would be going against who I am.

-They don't want to settle. A few years ago, someone told me that I am "too competitive" and I should "not take my studies so seriously." Really? Why would someone tell me this? As an overachiever, comments like this drive me to work harder. These type of people are jealous of those who take the time to work hard and actually succeed.

-They know what they want. How difficult is it to achieve a goal when you don't know what the goal is? It's pretty difficult. Any overachiever I've met has a detailed plan of action that maps out their goals and objectives. They know the specific steps to take in order to accomplish tasks.

I understand that this is not a comprehensive list. However, I wanted you to begin to think about overachievers from a different perspective. They are not bad people who think poorly of others. They are motivated, goal-oriented individuals. Sometimes, they are misunderstood, which causes frustration and confusion. Next time you encounter an overachiever, instead of casting judgment, get to know the person. Who knows? The person may pleasantly surprise you.

Are You Aware of What You Attain?

Do you like to achieve your goals? Does the thought of receiving awards and recognition make you feel happy? When you look back at everything you've ever accomplished, do you think about how far you've come? These seem like simple questions to answer, but consider this next question. Are you aware of what you've actually attained? Really, do you have awareness of what you've obtained?

It may seem like a simple question to answer. A person could look at trophies, certificates, medals, and other tangible items that could measure success. Another person may look at attainment in terms of promotions and pay raises. Someone else could look at attaining their goals different from what I mentioned. Regardless of individual perception, ask yourself whether your satisfied or if you continue to look to the future.

Throughout my life, I have been considered to be a notorious goal-setter and long-term planner. It is easy for me to set goals that will be achieved 5 years from now. Unfortunately, I used to look past the goals I achieved daily, no matter how big or small they were. For example, when I was in high school, I was focused on getting into college. I was so focused that I didn't pay attention to the fact that I performed well on projects and exams and exceeded my supervisor's expectations at work. This continued through my undergraduate and master's degree programs. I wanted to graduate and become a great teacher, but focusing on those goals caused me to neglect the importance of meeting small goals (i.e., becoming a better academic writer, understanding research, etc.). Had I focused on what I attained along the way, I would have discovered internal happiness a long time ago.

I am not telling you to stop focusing on long-term goals to focus on short-term ones. What I telling you is that, no matter how big or small the goal may be, you should have awareness of everything you attain each day. Once you do this, it will make each success that much greater. If you don't know how to begin doing this, then I want you to do 1 simple exercise each day. I want you to write down 5 things you accomplished and/or 5 goals that were achieved each day. As you do this exercise each day, I think you will begin to not only see what you've attained, but you will see the beauty that lies within each experience that led to the goal or accomplishment.

Quirk It

Do you have odd quirks? If you do, are they a secret? Are you ashamed of them? Would you lose friends if they knew your quirks existed? If you have quirks and answered "yes" to the other questions I asked, then I have a message to send to you: Quirk It! Quirk It? What does that even mean? Did you mean twerk it? No, I did not. Quirk It is correct.

Let's face it, each person has things they do that may be perceived as weird. When people find out their quirks are weird, a few things usually happen. They will continue to do them anyway, hide them from many people, but show their true colors in front of those closest to them, or stop doing them forever. Most people I know fall into the second or third category.

I used to be ashamed of my quirks. The thought of being different from everyone else petrified me. I wanted nothing more than to blend into my surroundings. As I have grown comfortable in my own skin, it has been easier to let my quirks shine through. I will not show my quirks during a job interview or at a formal dinner. In those contexts, it would not be appropriate. However, when the context is right, I will Quirk It. For example, if someone catches me singing in my car, I will look at them and keep singing. Sometimes, I will stretch like I am getting ready to work out if I know I will be sitting for a long time. This may not seem weird, but I do this inside school buildings outside of my classroom. I get odd stares, but do you think I care?

You do not need to be ashamed to Quirk It. If you are judged negatively, then that's not your problem. The person who's judging you has their own issues to tackle. I want you to let your personality shine through. When you allow yourself to do this, you will feel better about yourself. Instead of conforming to what society thinks is acceptable, you start becoming true to who you are. Being true to who you are is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself. I have made this statement in the past, but I think it's appropriate to say it again: Don't live life as a carbon copy. Be the original one.

Life Isn't So Bad After All

Have you ever thought about the lessons you've learned throughout your life? What makes these lessons significant in your mind? How have these lessons shaped your perception of reality? If you try to answer these questions right away, you may end up selling yourself short.

Growing up, I was taught that I could achieve anything I put my mind to; the size of the goal didn't matter. Throughout school, I did well and was confident that success would come each time I performed to the best of my ability. At this point, the lesson I learned was this: if I worked hard, I would be rewarded for it.

As I progressed in school, I started to realize that success didn't always happen as a result of hard work. I questioned why people who were less deserving (they didn't work as hard) kept winning. Initially, it motivated me to try harder, but when the same people kept winning every award, receiving all the scholarships, and getting opportunities they weren't qualified for, my perception of what was real was distorted, which created dissonance. The lesson I learned was this: no matter how hard I tried, if I didn't know the right people (and they knew me), didn't have the right last name, or didn't kiss butt, I wouldn't be rewarded for hard work. I bet you can only imagine how bitter I was during this point in my life.

One day, my reality shifted again. It happened when I was accepted into graduate school. I was actually accepted into a program because of ability to work hard. It was the first time, in a long time, merit was valued over politics. It was this day I realized the world isn't such a bad place after all. The lesson I learned was this: Politics do exist. Many people gain opportunities because they effectively network. However, I now know hard work is valued by some. 

When I think about my life progression, I've realized that everything works itself out. Sometimes, life can be unfair and not work out the way I want it to. However, I have learned to accept the negative times because they make the positive times better. Sometimes, life has a funny way of developing my perception of reality, but my perception can change at any time. What I am saying is that I am in control of how I perceive the events that happen in my life. Think about the events that have happened in your life. Did something unfortunate happen? If so, how has it improved? How has the event shaped your perception of reality? 

Follow the Leader or Lead the Followers?

Why are leaders sought after in every organization? How many times have you been asked about your ability to lead? Do people look down on you if you don't have leadership qualities? I can't tell you how many times the concept of leadership has been shoved down my throat. Over the past few years, I've attended my fair share of leadership seminars, taken college courses pertaining to leadership, and have spouted the leadership gospel in interviews. I've also had the opportunity to demonstrate my leadership skills in networking groups, volunteer organizations, and at work.

I value the art of being an effective leader. I firmly believe that every organization needs someone effective to lead the masses to success. However, I've recently began questioning the concept of the follower. Why are followers not valued like leaders? Is it because they aren't responsible for making important decisions? Are followers perceived to be lazy because they have less responsibility? Is it safe to be a follower? I don't doubt that these questions could be answered with "yes."

Through my experiences, I have developed a different perception of what it means to be a follower. I know some can abuse this position, but I also don't view followers as feeble-minded people that blindly go through life drug around in a wagon. In all actuality, the position of the follower is a great one. For starters, there are more followers than leaders. If there was no one to lead, then what's the point of having a leader? As an educator, I see life as a giant classroom; we never stop learning. Being a follower gives followers the opportunity to leverage themselves and learn from great leaders. Learning from them decreases the odds of making rookie mistakes. Followers can help leaders become better. Just because the follower position yields less responsibility doesn't mean they have no input.

We can't control every situation we're put in. There will be times when the leader must take command and be the bad guy. On the flip side, there are also times when leaders must learn from their followers. The title of follower doesn't mean a person is less than human. It means they contribute in a different way. If both work together and truly understand each other's roles, then they will grow and become better for the experience. If you become frustrated and forget everything I've written, then remember this: "It takes two to tango." -Anonymous

Thank Your Past

Do you remember what 10 years ago looked like? What do those memories look like? Are you proud of them? How have those memories impacted who you are today? In another 10 years, how will you perceive those memories? I remember 10 years ago as if it were yesterday. Once in a while, I will wake up and wonder how 10 years flashed before my eyes.

The number 10 popped up in my mind because of recent self-reflection. A decade ago, I was in my senior year of high school. When I think about my senior year, many thoughts appear in my mind as clear as water. I remember scrambling down the tight hallways, at school, rushing to make it to class on time. Sometimes, teachers actually taught the students. When they didn't, most students would talk to each other. I, however, kept to myself. I had a couple friends. Those friends had other friends; I did not. Many days, I felt alone. I didn't belong to a clique. Parties on weekends and phone calls after school did not exist. Dating was not part of my vocabulary. Instead of attending football and basketball games with classmates, I swiped my plastic card to clock in at work. Each shift, I would wear my over-sized smock with a tee shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. I was a great employee who exceeded expectations consistently. During each work break, I studied for quizzes and exams. I think I always had a text book or a set of vocabulary flash cards with me. I was a loner.

Why am I reflecting on the past? I will tell you why. My past made me who I am today. Did I sound lame? Perhaps, I did. However, there are benefits to being the unpopular pick. As a loner, I didn't have to worry about fitting into a clique. Fitting into a clique would mean conforming just to fit in. Since I was not part of a clique, I know who I am and am proud of myself. Typically, when people conform to fit into a group, they may try things they don't want to. I was never pressured to drink, smoke, or use illegal substances. I still choose to live a life without involving these substances. Many would say I dedicated too much time to my studies. Guess what? I love school! In fact, I love learning so much that I decided to dedicate my life to school.

Each past experience has shaped who I am today. I thank my past because it has enriched my life. I am not fond of the majority of memories, but I am fond of what the future holds. Each day, I get to live the life I want to, not the life others want me to live. If I meet others who want to share life experiences with me along the way, then that's fine. If not, that's fine, too. Regardless, I will continue to be the wise loner.

Which One Do You Choose?

When is the last time you picked up the phoned and called someone, simply because you enjoy their conversation? How did the conversation go? What did you two discuss? I ask these questions because a traditional phone conversation has almost become obsolete. Text messenger, e-mail, Facebook, and other messaging tools have taken over. These services are convenient, quick, and easy to use. It is amazing to know that a message will await me when I log onto my social media sites or open my phone, but there's something missing.

Each time I communicate with people online or on my mobile device, it seems like the human aspect of conversation is missing. Writing words can communicate a message effectively, but hearing someone's voice takes the communicative experience to a different level. Each time I communicate with someone over the telephone. I engage my senses. Hearing a loved one's voice means more to me than reading words on a screen.

Growing up, my mom and I were very close. Some would say we are best friends. Naturally, I grew up and moved out. When I moved out, I missed my mom a lot. Luckily, I did not live too far away. If I missed her, I could drive a half an hour and it felt like I never left. Recently, I relocated to a different part of Ohio. Now, I live a lot farther than I used to. If I want to see her, I have to strategically plan the trip. It is the first time she is not within driving distance. Each day, I miss her more than the previous day.

I know I cannot see her when I want, but I can still keep in contact with her. I make it a priority to call her once a week. It is easy to talk to her for hours, but it seems like we only have minutes. One minute, we start talking. The next minute, it has been two hours. Talking to her, on the phone, has helped me to cope with the transition. I would rather have a quality conversation with her over the telephone than receive a text message.

Next time you find yourself missing someone, pick up the phone and make a phone call. It could make someone's day, rekindle a past relationship, or build a foundation for a future one. Each time you talk to someone could be the last time. Cherish the relationships you have with people. Media are trendy and convenient, but don't become lost in it. Instead, recognize why it exists and what it's intended to accomplish. Then, think about the intention of a phone call. If you only had one more opportunity to communicate with someone, and you could not do it face-to-face, which form of communication would you choose?

Have You Had a Heart-to-Heart Lately?

When is the last time you raised concerns about someone's behavior? What were they? Why do they concern you? How does the person's behavior make you feel? These are important questions to answer because it probably has happened to you at least once in your life. If it hasn't, then I foresee an instance happening in the future.

In my life, there are many people who have caused my eye brows to raise. In the past, I wasn't sure what to say or how to respond. Will I upset the person more? If I say something the wrong way, will it come back to bite me in my rear end? When is the right time to approach the person? How do I begin the conversation? These questions may not cross your mind. You may be the type of person to address a situation right away and the consequences don't cross your mind. As a person who does not want to rock the boat, I ask these questions every time.

In everyone's life, there comes a time when you will need to confront someone's behavior. Recently, I have had to confront someone close to me. This person is going through a tough time and his behavior has impacted me more than he thinks. He and I had a heart-to-heart regarding his behaviors, words, and actions. He was upset initially. Who wouldn't be when confrontation occurs? Throughout the conversation, he calmed down and was receptive to what I had to say. I am happy to report that he is making great strides to improve the behavior that concerned me.

If you are ever in a situation where you need to confront someone regarding their behavior, I want you to keep these things in mind:
-The person will probably be defensive initially. No one I know wants to hear that they are wrong;
-Expect an awkward moment or two. These conversations aren't always fluid. You might lose your train of thought or even the words you want to say;
-Be prepared to cite specific examples of the behavior that concerns you;
-Help the person develop a plan of action as to how s/he can improve. Nothing will happen unless a person knows how to move forward; and
-If the person disregards what you say, mocks you, thinks s/he is right and you are wrong, and is not receptive to what you have to say, you may need to take a different approach with caution. Seek the advice of someone else or try again later on in the day. If all else fails, you may need to enlist the help of someone else.

Truth and Dare?!?

Have you ever played the game Truth or Dare? Which choice was your go-to? What was it like to play? Did it actually end well? If you're like me, then you chose truth each time. The people I played with weren't kind. I would've rather spilled my deepest secrets than participate in any dare they had up their sleeves. Perhaps you were the person who always chose dare. There was no dare that was scary to you. In fact, you actively participated in the craziest dares that existed and wanted others to do the same. You were my worst nightmare, but I secretly admired your courage. Come to think about it, I actually despised playing this game.

I've thought long and hard about my opinion toward Truth or Dare. Here's the answer I've developed: I didn't like doing or saying things that would harm myself or anyone else. The people I played the game were were sometimes mean-spirited, maybe even heartless. It didn't take up too much memory space in my mind, but I've played it enough times to develop an opinion.

Today, I thought about this timeless game. As you know, games can be altered to the people who are playing them. I've decided that I want to alter the timeless game and want to play Truth and Dare with you. Here's how my version is played:

Each day, I want you to answer this question truthfully: Are you happy? If you're not, then I dare you to become happy. I don't care what it is that makes you happy. Just do it. Then, I want you to ask yourself this question truthfully: Have you made someone else happy today? If not, then I dare you to put a smile on someone's face and make their day.

If we all played my version of Truth and Dare, then we can make the world a better place, one smile at a time. You don't know what a smile can do for someone. It could be the tool that makes his/her day better, save the person from committing a cruel act, or encourage someone to help another person. If you're honest with yourself and play each day, then you will reap the benefits more than you can imagine.

I Just Want to Say...

When's the last time you told someone something you've wanted to say? Have you had a crush on someone for many years, but have been too shy to say something? Do you wish you could end a friendship with someone, but don't want to lose the comfort of being upset? Has the thought of receiving a raise appealed to you, but you kept quiet because it could mean losing your job or being demoted? If you're like many people I know, then you may not have spoken up for quite sometime.

Trust me when I say it's easy to be scared. For most of my life, the unknown has been scary. I am the type of person who likes to plan my entire life and sticking to it. I realize I cannot plan every aspect of my life, which is why the word "plan" is tentative. As I become wiser, facing scary things becomes riskier each day; there's more to lose. It makes me want to stick to my plan more each day.

Overtime, I have learned that the biggest rewards come by facing the scary. Sometimes, the scariest thing can be to speak up. Typically, I keep to myself. I don't want to stir the pot into something disgusting. However, over the past few years, I have chosen to speak up in certain situations. They didn't always go as planned, but I've become stronger. I've dumped a few "good" friends who became poison, stood up for myself during job-related miscommunications, and reached out to someone to keep in touch on a regular basis.

Whether the words on your mind are positive or negative, it is important that you communicate them. It will lift a lot of weight off of your shoulders and you will never live your life wondering what would or could have happened. Many people live their lives scared. If you do, then you may never get the chance to tell someone how you feel or what you think. Put yourself out there. What's the worst that could happen?

Choose Your Words Wisely

When you write a new post, what do you write? Before and after you've finished, do you wonder how many people actually read what's written? I have found that people typically fall into a few categories:

-Herpes-Glitter poster: Remember, glitter is herpes of the arts and crafts world; it never goes away. This type of poster never leaves your feed.
-Blue moon poster: A person who rarely posts anything original. Until the person actually says something, you forget about him/her.
-Diarrhea poster: A person who only posts things with the goal of putting a damper on someone's day.
-Verbal vomit poster: This person posts TMI every time!
-Socialite poster: Think of this person as the networking guru. S/he always knows what's going on. Think of the person who's involved with summer camp or greek life.
-Harvard poster: Anytime this person posts, s/he intends to brag about how great his or her life is. This person brags about having a maid, insists on showing off material possessions, or must share details about the upcoming European vacation.
-Car wreck poster: Any time this person posts something, you can't help but look. Even though you say you will never read another post from the person, somehow you give in (i.e., the annoying classmate or drama king/queen co-worker).
-President poster: If a political issue emerges, this person will ALWAYS have an opinion. You may love it or hate it, but the person will insist on posting a status, blog, or other form of literature for all to read.
-Broken record poster: You will see the same types of posts from this person (i.e., the gym maniac, parenting-related posts, work related posts, etc.).
-Miscellaneous poster: This person doesn't have a rhyme or reason for posting anything. The most random posts or eclectic group of posts will appear.

Regardless of the type of poster you are, people do read what you write. For a while, I questioned if more than 1 person actually read my blog. Today, I found out that people read it, even when I have no idea. Earlier in the day, my phone decided it would send a random text message to every person in my contacts list. One person asked if it was intended or not. After the communication I had regarding the quirk, she informed me that she loves my blog. Let's just say I was beyond excited! The lesson I learned is that whether the message I send is positive or negative, the words will still be seen. If I could share a piece of advice to anyone in the world, it would be  to choose your words wisely. They will leave a lasting effect. Make sure the lasting effect is a positive one.

(In)Dependent

"If you want to survive in this world, you can't depend on others. You have to rely on yourself." "I don't understand why I received a poor grade on the group project. I put in more than my fair share." "I am only one person. What I do or say won't impact the lives of others." Do these statements sound familiar (whether you've uttered them or know of someone who does)? 

I will admit that I have said the first two statements above. Many times, if I depend on someone to make something happen, they will almost always disappoint me. Whether it's a little or life changing favor, it seems that delivering the favor is not a priority. How can I possibly be dependent on other people when they don't want to meet high expectations?!?

The other night, I thought about my need for independence. Out of no where, it hit me. There is no way I can be independent without being dependent! Think about it: I can't eat produce unless farmers harvest the crops, go shopping for clothes unless someone makes them, or drive a reliable car unless a reliable mechanic fixes it. Why didn't it hit me sooner?

This revelation changed my perspective on what it means to be independent. I can be independent in conducting research, but I cannot conduct research without being taught how to do so. I am able to drive a car alone, but I am dependent on oil and gas companies to provide the fuel for my car. Do you see where I am going with this? 

It is impossible to be an independent person without being dependent to some degree. I have had to learn that it is okay to trust and not be completely independent. I can still be assertive, but I now understand my boundaries. If you struggle with your need to be completely independent, then ask yourself if you could survive a week without anyone else.

Ready...Set...Go!

If you were filmed and your life was shown on national television, what would people think? Would they see all the times you've made mistakes and exaggerate them? Then, how would the viewers respond to the footage? After, how would this impact your life? Do you think people would have the wrong impression of who you are? Do you have more to offer to the world? If your mistakes were showcased, then the viewers wouldn't know any better. Aren't you glad you're not famous?!?

Think about the mistakes famous people make. Each time I watch a show, view an article online, or read a tabloid at the grocery store, I constantly see how famous people make mistakes. I understand that some mistakes are bound to happen; we're human for crying out loud. However, many mistakes that are displayed could easily be prevented. For example, do you remember when Britney Spears drove with her child on her lap? Yeah, that could have easily been prevented. Had it been prevented, it would have never become a story.

When you think about the mistakes famous people make, think about how the audience views them. Now, imagine you were famous. What would the footage look like? Do you think the footage would show the mistakes you've made or the wonderful things you've accomplished? If the footage shows the mistakes, ask yourself why that is the case. What choices are you making that impact your answer? After you answer this, ask yourself how your accomplishments can be showcased.

I am not saying that you should pretend to be someone you're not. What I am saying is that I want you to be conscious of the choices you make. Each choice you make can negatively or positively impact what others think about you. If you make good choices in your life, then you are more likely to gain respect and loyalty. As you go about your day, ask yourself this question: If others were to come to your funeral today, what would they say about you?

Learn from Frustration

Have you ever gone into a store and expect to be waited on hand-in-foot? Do you expect to be well-informed on products that are available? Would it make you feel good if someone took the time to get to know what you like and suggest items that suit your needs and wants? Normally, I don't expect to be helped. Most days, I prefer to be left alone and browse for items at my own pace. However, if I make a pricier purchase, I want the red carpet laid out for me.

Recently, I relocated and needed a few items to put into my place. As an advocate of supporting local businesses, I went into a local furniture and appliance store. The person working there was attentive, listened to what I wanted, and educated me. We developed a positive relationship and I decided to buy from her. I was convinced that I would make future purchases from the store and give her credit for each sale.

A few days later, I discovered the "relationship" that had been built was flawed. I spoke to her a couple times after I purchased the items. She was short with me and treated me like a second-class citizen, which is frustrating. It's one thing to receive terrible customer service, but it's worse to receive good service and then be treated terribly. I expect the person to be fake to a degree (commission-based job), but I didn't expect to see a 180 degree change after the sale.

It's easy to be bitter in this situation, but I am going to remain positive. For starters, my products weren't damaged (thank goodness). More importantly, when I go to bed each night, I know that I am not the type of person I know I couldn't, and wouldn't, treat someone the way the sales person treated me; that is a blessing. If you go through a similar situation, know that you are a good person at the end of the day and the person who wronged you has to live with him/herself.

Are You Proud?

Do you want your accomplishments to be recognized and praised? Does it bug you when you put your heart into a project and no one seems to care? Guess what? You're not the only one who thinks this way. I answered "yes" to both questions. When I become involved with a project, I put my whole heart into it. Knowing I did my best makes me feel good, but having other people see what I see makes my accomplishment 100 times better. However, throughout life, I have come to realize that others will not always see my accomplishments the way I see them.

The past few years have been some of my most successful years thus far. I was blessed with the opportunities to graduate from college twice, received a Top Debut Paper award at a national conference, had the pleasure of teaching students (and received outstanding evaluations), and was accepted into my doctoral program of choice. Do you think the majority of people in my life were happy for me? Theoretically, the answer would be yes. Realistically, the answer is no. Instead of being proud of my accomplishments, most people have tried to drag me down and attempted to convince me that everything I've done is worthless.

I used to put great stock into what others thought of my accomplishments. When they didn't see them the way I did, it killed me internally (figuratively speaking, of course). It took a huge toll on my self-esteem, which made the recovery time longer than it should have been. Now, I have learned to see this differently. When this situation happens, I remind myself of a few things: 1) Most people will never fully understand what I accomplished because they're not typical accomplishments; 2) some will discredit my accomplishments because they don't place importance on them like I do; 3) others may be intimidated and try to bring me down to their level; or 4) people may simply not care at all. After I remind myself of the things I mentioned above, I remind myself that it is okay to be proud of what I've accomplished. Not everyone may understand, but I do. If someone doesn't understand, then that's not my issue. All I am concerned with is what I do and what it means to me.

At the end of the day, I want you to look back at your accomplishments thus far. Are you proud of what you've accomplished and how far you've come? I hope so. What you've done is unique because it cannot be duplicated. Your accomplishments are authentic and should mean something to you. Even if no one else gets it, that's okay. As long as you go to bed proud each night, then you have much to be thankful for in life.

Build from the Ground Up

Have you ever looked at someone and wished you could be as confident, self-assured, and as likable as them? If not, then do you admire how patient, calm, and empathetic someone can be? What I asked may not resonate with you, but you may know someone who is this way.

Each person I've ever met has admired someone because of characteristics s/he finds appealing or attractive. Typically, the people I've met have desired certain characteristics in a person because s/he views them as a measure of success. "If I am fearless in any situation, I will be unstoppable." "If I more fun, I would be liked more." Do these statements sound familiar? If so, I can relate. I have thought about these types of statements for years. In fact, I thought about them so much that they consumed my life.

For a long time, I was envious of those who "had it all". I could spend all day looking at their lavish lifestyles, how they were perfectly manicured, and how they received high praise from others. Over time, I have learned to not focus on the artificial aspects of their lives. Instead, I learned to focus on who successful people are and what makes them successful. I have learned that successful people are successful because of key characteristics. I admire Donald Trump's ability to be decisive, Oprah's ability to show compassion, and Jeff Dunham's ability to make people laugh, while using his gift of ventriloquism. As I study the characteristics I like in each person, then I look at myself and brainstorm how I can use their characteristics to leverage success in my own life.

Since I have done this, I have made great strides. I think the greatest stride I've made thus far is to stop making excuses. Growing up, I blamed many external circumstances for my lack of success. I blamed politics, childhood, socioeconomic status, and much more for my lack of success. Guess what? It always ended badly. One day, I had to stop making excuses for my actions, own up to them, and make success happen instead of letting someone take my opportunities and options away from me. How has this happened? It is because I observed this in every successful person I've ever seen or met, regardless of status in society.

What I am telling you is that you are responsible for your successes in life. Bad things can happen to anyone; what matters is how you act in each situation. If you emulate those who are successful, you will be better for the experience. You may become impatient initially, but some of the greatest things in life have to be built from the ground up. It's time to build your foundation for success.

Honesty is the Best Policy

When you think about who you are, what comes to your mind? Do you think about your appearance, personality, actions you take in your life, or is it something else? Now, think about what came to your mind. Why do you think you thought of what you did (i.e., why did your personality come before everything else)? It's important to answer this because it will help you to become honest with yourself.

"Honest...with myself?!? Of course I am honest with myself. It's me for crying out loud!" Does that statement sound familiar? If so, you're not alone. I have muttered that statement more times than I care to admit. I live with myself each day. How could I not know who I am? As I learn about myself, I have come to learn that being honest with myself is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

For many years, I tried to impress the wrong people. I wanted to fit in with people who didn't like me for me. I used to drink with people at bars because I wanted to be seen as social and outgoing, hung out with people who were mean because I thought it equated to social capital, and altered my personality dramatically to appease certain guys I dated in the past. The truth is that I found it to be difficult to be honest with myself.

One day, I decided to cut the crap and start living an honest life. First, I stopped going to bars because I can't stand the bar scene; I don't even like alcohol. Second, I stopped hanging out with mean people because they were mentally draining. Lastly, I stopped trying to be what a guy wanted me to be and started being myself. I was very honest on dates. Guess what? A second date didn't happen 99.99% of the time, and that's okay. 

As I remained true to who I am, there have been people along the way who have tried to bring me down to their level. When this happens, I remind myself who I am. It's not always easy to be true to who you are, but it is well worth it. You will attract people who are like you, become comfortable in your own skin, and learn to love who you are. I have adopted the motto "honesty is the best policy" and have never been happier. If you adopt the same motto, I think you will find happiness, too.

What's Stopping You?

What do you fear? When you think about your fear, how does your body physically react to it? Now, what words come to mind? Do the physical symptoms or the mental words impact your fear more? After you answer this, start to question why one takes precedence over the other.

Fear is something that can get in the way of success. If the fear is strong enough, it can take over every part of one's life. Growing up, I had a fear of public speaking. Over time, I kept giving speeches and now enjoy speaking in front of any size audience. Then, I developed a fear of failure. Each time I didn't achieve what I wanted, I became disappointed. It got to the point where I didn't try as hard and blamed external things for my failure. One day, I had enough of this and put an end to it. Later on, I developed a fear of success. Each time I came close to doing well, something always stopped me from achieving my dreams. I had to put an end to this by eliminating certain people from my life and surround myself with people who supported my dreams and are positive influences.

When you look at the fears I have encountered, who or what do you think stopped me from being the best I could be? If it is not obvious, the answer is me. I stopped myself from being successful. For a long time, I thought my fear of public speaking developed because of the number of people present in the audience. WRONG! It developed because I was an outcast and I didn't want to be made fun of for being different. the fear of failure developed because I didn't give everything my all. Yes, there will be times when I don't get my way. Guess what? That's okay. Life works itself out. I developed a fear of success because I was afraid of being different. Most people around me weren't happy people and weren't afraid of bringing everyone down to their level. Instead of surrounding myself with these people, I chose to be around different people who also want success and be surrounded by successful people.

Making changes isn't always easy. Sometimes, these changes can be the scariest to make. Who knows what the outcome can be?! I cannot predict the future, but I can tell you that the end result is worth it. shifting gears and taking control of your life will be one of the best things you can do for yourself and your future. It's time to stop letting other things and people dictate the direction of your life. At the end of the day, you control your outcome. When in doubt, repeat this phrase: "I will not stop me."

What is Success?

Have you ever been asked a question pertaining to your definition of success? If so, do you give an answer people expect to hear? Do you feel good after you give your answer or do you think you compromise who you are to please others? I want you to be completely honest with yourself.

The first time I came across the success question was during high school. From there on out, it emerged consistently. Each time I heard someone else answer this type of question, all I could think is "Why?!?" Why would someone give a cookie cutter answer? Is it to please everyone else? Was there nothing better to say? Did the people look up their answers online? Why can't anyone be original?!?

To put things into perspective, these are the types of answers that were most common:
-"My definition of success is getting back on the horse one more time than I fall."
-"When I think about success, I think about the mistakes I made in the past and have learned from them. Then, I used the lessons I learned along the way to become a better person, which has shaped my perspective on what success looks like."
-"Success means living life to its fullest. If I live a good life and surround myself with positive, uplifting people, then I have achieved success."

The examples I gave above could be true for some. If it is your true definition of success, then who am I to say what's right or wrong? All I am saying is that if you want to be successful in life, you have to be honest with yourself and define your own meaning.

Here's what I want you to do: develop your own meaning of success. When you develop your own meaning, think about the following questions:
-What do you want to accomplish professionally and personally?
-What is your driving force each day?
-What or who makes you proud?
-What inspires you to keep pushing each day?

If you can be honest with yourself, then your definition of success will come naturally. It is not something that needs to be looked up online, read from a book, or uttered from someone else's mouth. It is your authentic definition that cannot be replicated. At the end of the day, ask yourself this question: Would you rather be a carbon copy or the original? After you answer it, determine how your answer can shape what success is to you.

Erase Negativity

Have you ever wondered why certain people complain constantly? Do you think the world would be a better place if those people could find a way to be happy? Is it possible that there are people who will never be happy, no matter how much you work with them? If so, then I can relate. I've asked myself these questions for quite sometime.

If you've asked yourself the questions listed above, then there's a good chance you may know of someone who fits the mold. By mold, I am referring to the person who claims they can't stand drama, but constantly seek/create it, the person who wants to be happy, but is always negative, and the person who wants to change, but is more comfortable living in misery. It can be exhausting to be around these people.

Sometimes, you have the choice to include or exclude these people from your life; other times, it is not possible. Regardless, if you communicate with a negative person, here is what I want you to do: be positive. Think about it for a second. Negative people aren't always happy. Negative people want company. It fuels their fire. If you are negative, then in perpetuates the negativity. However, if you are positive, 1 of 2 things will happen. If you talk positive to a person that is receptive, then they will accept it. On the flip side, if the person only wants you to fuel his or her fire, then s/he may end up leaving you alone. Either way, it's a win-win.

You have the power to erase negativity from your life. It's impossible to control every aspect of your life, but focus on what you can control. If you focus on what you can't control, then the negativity will remain. There's no better time to take control of your life than right now.

What Had Happened Was...

I want you to do something for me. Envision what your last trip out in public looked like. During your trip, think about what was going on around you. Well, what happened? Were kids screaming? Did a rude person take your parking spot? If those questions don't sound like your kind of day, then did someone help you when you least expected it? Did you receive a compliment? Was it a perfect day?

When I think about my last trip in public, I think of it as an adventure. The adventure is observing what happens. I like to observe how couples interact, how parents and children respond to each other, and the looks on faces when something goes wrong. Those observations are priceless and they create stories to share for the rest of my life.

Over the years, those who know me best know I have a good memory. I can recall details many forget. They ask me how I am able to remember so many things. It can come natural to me, but I don't rely on genetics. I tell people it's about the choices I make. I choose to not use illegal substances and drink alcohol. I choose to play brain games and strengthen my mind. I choose to put down the technology and experience life. What happens when you look at technology? You don't look at life happening around you.

Do you want to look back on your life and only recall the times you spent on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest? Could you imagine if technology caused you to miss out on the most important moments in your life? Do you want to become a slave to your mobile devices, video game systems, and TVs? I know I don't. I am going to go back to living my life. Before you do the same, watch this video: http://blog.petflow.com/a-video-everyone-needs-to-see/

Lesson from a Friend

If a new version of a product comes out, do you purchase it? Do you insist on having the best money can buy? Does the motto "More is Better" sound good to you? If so, you're not alone. We live in a society where
temptations are within reach: technology is ancient once it's purchased and many people try to keep up with the Jones'.

When I was growing up, I wanted to fit in. I insisted on wearing the best clothes, using the best products, and only hanging out at trendy places. How could I possibly go on living life if I wasn't doing and purchasing what everyone else had? As I've grown, I have learned that I do not need to do what everyone else is doing. I've thought about the events that have happened in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today.

One event that helped me to put life into perspective is a dear friend of mine. She recently told me about her trip to Africa. During our chat session, she mentioned that the people share one bucket of water for the day. The bucket is used to wash hands, drink out of, etc. When she shared this with me, 3 thoughts crossed my mind: 1) That's gross; 2) I can't believe people still live that way; and 3) Do I take my own life for granted?

Once our chat session was finished, I drove home, walked into the house, and looked at the faucet in the kitchen. I thought about the water I use to wash the dishes, take a shower, wash my hands, do the laundry, cook dinner, and drink. As I look at my water usage, I honestly couldn't tell you how much water I use per day. I am sure the people in Africa wish they could have the resources I take for granted.

As I think about this, it makes me appreciative of what I have. It is not necessary to own the latest technology each time a new version of something comes out on the market or buy what others may own. Is my view the popular choice? Absolutely, positively, no! However, I know when I look back on my life, I know it will be a fulfilling one.

Time is of the Essence

"Excuse me. Do you know what time it is?" How many times have you asked that question today? If you didn't ask it, then did you ask this question: "I get to go home in 2 hours. I can't wait for the work day to be over." No? How about this question: "I don't have enough time in the day to do everything! There's too much to do without time at my disposal." Am I asking the right questions?

I will be the first to admit that I ask the first question multiple times per day, I used to ask the second question, and occasionally mutter then third question. It seems normal to focus on time. The USA is a time driven culture. I must wake up on time, leave on time, arrive 10-15 minutes early to be on time, arriving at the start of a meeting means I am late, and arriving late simply isn't an option. Children are on time schedules, students attend and leave school at certain times each day, and people are given schedules at work that display what time they start their shifts and the time the shifts end. As you can see, it's not difficult to see why the questions I stated above are asked.

On Tuesday, I was talking with a person I've met a few times. He and I were discussing how valuable life is and to never lose sight of the things that matter most. I asked him what matters most. He gave me his answers, and most answers sounded standard. However, an answer he gave was one I did not expect to hear. The last word he said was time. Time? That's not a common answer people give. Here was his explanation: "If you wish time away, then you lose out on everything you could experience. Wishing time away means wishing away years of youth, freedom, and spending less time with loved ones. It means you have one less day to learn, one less day to seize the moment, and one less day to to help other people. Time is something I never wish away. Each day is a blessing and I am honored to be here today."

His words were pure and angelic. I spent less than 3 hours with this person and I got more than I bargained for that day. He taught me a valuable lesson. Life is too precious to take for granted. There are some days that are better than others, but each day deserves to exist. Each day makes me who I am and it teaches me something new. What better way to learn than experience life?! Before I leave, I want to leave you with a final thought: Regardless of how your day goes, find the blessings that happen each day. Each day presents new experiences. Without them, you cannot grow and go on to share your stories of trials and triumphs. When you experience life without watching the clock go by, you will gain a deeper understanding of what matters most and you will live in the moment, every day. 

Do You Have "I-Me Syndrome"?

When you listen to someone speak, does the person make the conversation about you? If so, for how long? If not, then ask yourself how it makes you feel. Honestly, have you ever had a conversation with someone who wanted to focus on him/herself the entire time? Anything you say will somehow revolve around the other person. If you have experienced this, then you are not alone.

Overtime, I have listened to many people who are infatuated with themselves, like to hear the sound of their own voices, or have a strong desire to create drama. Regardless of the reason, it still happens. I call this "I-Me Syndrome." I-Me Syndrome is defined as follows: an individual who communicates with another person and there is no intention of ever talking about the other person. This person is so concerned with him/herself that the other person doesn't exist.

If you are like me, and think these people are toxic, selfish, and mentally draining, then take a few moments to let the words I am about to say sink in. If you are not forced to be around these people, then don't out yourself in this situation. Those with I-Me Syndrome aren't changing anytime soon. You have the power to go away and never talk to these people again, as long as you're not forced (i.e., work and family).

If you are in a sticky bind and must communicate with this type of person, follow my advice:
1) Take the person's words with a grain of salt. There's a high probability that the person is insecure;
2) The person may not have anyone else to speak to;
3) The person may be going through a tough time right now;
4) If the person annoys you to the nth degree, you can walk away; and
5) If you are not forced to be around the person, then don't put yourself into the situation.

A Little Bit Goes a Long Way

Have you heard of the title of this blog? If so, what comes to your mind? Is it Jessica Simpson's song? Eating what you adore? How about clipping coupons to save money? These things did come to my mind, but there is something that surpasses all of them. Can you guess what it is? It's patience.

I've been told by many people a little patience goes a long way. In a society where people are taught to give into instant gratification, patience is the last thing on one's mind. Think about it: fast food, making online purchases (no checkout lines), drive thru's, ATM's, fast speed Internet access, etc. Heck, restaurants now have curbside pick-up food.

I, like many, enjoy the convenience of instant gratification. When I have a busy day, what I want is available. Why should I bother cooking if someone else will do it for me? What's the point of waiting 4 days for clothes alterations when I can get them done the same day? It's so easy to get caught up in this world. What happens when instant gratification works against me? It makes me an impatient person. Being impatient can mean being ungrateful, dissatisfied, and assumptive. It's not a good place to be in nor does it make me happy.

When these days happen, I think back on the times when patience paid off. The nights I choose to make dinner turn out better than a meal I'd overpay for at a restaurant. Not bugging the selection committee allowed me to be selected into my Ph.D. program of choice. Developing a friendship with my boyfriend for a couple years allowed me to get to know him for who he really is. Now, I am in the best relationship I've ever been in.

Patience is something I continue to learn. Some days are easier than others. When days get tough, I remember what I have in my life. Specifically, I remember the good things I have because of demonstrated patience. After all of these years, those who preached the patience gospel were right; a little bit of patience does go a long way.

Who Likes Pies?

When you see the word pies, what comes to your mind? Is it the most tempting slice of pie that is made at the best bakery in your local town? Does math come to your mind? If you cannot recall what I mean, does 3.14 ring a bell? How about whoopie pies and other manufactured snack goods? Heck, I could go for an ice cream pie right about now.

Each time I see the word pies, I think of something different from many people. I can't take the credit for how I think of PIES. I learned about PIES from my involvement in Toastmasters International. I think of PIES as a way to evaluate myself. Before I learned about PIES, I used to be overly critical and would only focus on areas of improvement. If you're like me and are hard on yourself, then you know being your own worst critic can be your enemy. However, I have learned, through PIES, that there is a different way to approach evaluating myself. 

What is PIES? PIES stands for positives, improvements, encouragement, and summary. Essentially, it is the Oreo cookie method. Here's how it works:

(P)ositives: This is when you start with praise. Most people I've met in my life want to hear good things about themslves. Plus, if you will be critiquing yourself, you want to be kind to you. 

(I)mprovements: I like to call improvements "points of growth." This is how a person can become better. If you are evaluating yourself, don't criticize yourself, feel bad about it, and then go about your day. Recognize where you can improve and develop a plan of action as to how you can become better. Without a plan of action, it is difficult to become a better person. 

(E)ncouragement: After you have provided yourself with points of growth, make yourself feel better again and lift yourself up. 

(S)ummary: Wrap up your personal evaluation. End your personal evaluation on a positive note. 

Part of becoming the best version of yourself is having the ability to look at yourself critically. No one is perfect. Mistakes are inevitable. After the mistakes happen, will you take the opportunity to mend the wrong doings? If so, PIES can provide you a safe, yet challenging platform to foster growth and good will. If you can be honest with yourself, then you are already on the path to becoming a happy, confident, and self-sufficient person.

Be Your Own Judge

Have you ever muttered the following comment: "Life would be so much better if....."? Would life really be better? If you had every material belonging you desire, would your life be better? If you accomplished everything on your "to-do" list, would you be happy? If life is going good, do you wish life were better?

In the past, I was envious of those who were able to travel to different locations. Each time I heard about someone's vacation, it irritated me. Why couldn't I be the person who travels?! Sure, I had been to a few places and vacationed in the past, but it didn't seem like it was good enough. Why did it seem like everyone traveled but me?

This past week, I travelled to Las Vegas. In the past, Vegas has been describe to me as bright lights, nude girls, party, get drunk, gamble your money away, hotels and casinos, and lack of sleep. Now that I have returned from Las Vegas and have caught up on my sleep, the way Vegas was described to me was accuate. I would like to add the following to the list: people don't know how to walk in a straight line (even when they're sober), no manners, expensive, and everything seems closer than what it really is.

Okay, okay. What I described above is not exactly positive. Las Vegas does have its perks. I like how each hotel has a theme. I was fond of Caesar's Palace and Paris. The architecture was gorgeous and it felt like I was in a different world. It was neat to see escalators outside. The weather was perfect. Where else can I go and see a 4 story M&M store, a roller coaster inside of a hotel, people who get paid to drive moving billboards, see people from all over the world, and get paid to complete audience research for a pilot of a TV show?

Overall, I had a great time in Las Vegas. I recommend experiening Las Vegas once in your life. However, I learned that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I know that this isn't the life for me. I like to live a simple life with those I love. There's something to be said for cooking a meal at home, sitting comfortably in my favorite spot on the couch, and sleeping in my own bed. If I had to pick a life lesson to share with you this week, it would be this: Until you get the chance to experience what someone else does, take each comment with a grain of salt.

Stop Stopping!

"Stop procrastinating and start doing your work on time." "Stop eating processed food and eat all natural foods." "Stop going out to eat and cook meals at home." How many times can you recall, within a week, being told to stop doing/saying something? It can be from a person you physically see in-person, online, etc. I'd say many people are told to stop doing/saying something at least once a week. Before you continue to read this blog, visit this link: http://www.lifebuzz.com/just-stop/

Stop, stop stop! How many times can someone be told to stop?! I understand there are good intentions and others want to prevent you from getting hurt and make the same mistakes they've made in the past. However, how many of those people have told you to start doing something? My guess is that it happens less often.

Earlier, I posted a link to the post 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. Why do we have to stop doing anything? When I see the word stop, I think of lack of progress. How can I become better if I am not given the green light to go?

Instead, I want to focus on things you should start doing to yourself. There are many, but I've selected my favorites:

1) Start spending time with the right people. The right people will give you guidance, honest feedback, a positive support system, and make you want to become a better person.

2) Start confronting your problems. Facing what you don't want to will teach you a life lesson and it will improve your confidence. It may not make facing future problems easier, but you will know how to do it.

3) Start being yourself. If people don't like you, then it's not the end of the world. You will attract people who like your genuine, authetic self.

4) Start looking to yourself for happiness. If you cannot make yourself happy, then how will anyone else be able to?

5) Start looking to yourself for success. There will be someone else who's faster, stronger, wiser, smarter, etc. than you. Comparing your suceesses to theirs will not make you happier. Focus on your personal progress and be happy with how far you've come. Then, figure out how you can become better the next time.

6) Start to raise your own standards. How many times has someone tried to being you down to his or her level? Instead of lowering your self-worth to please the masses, fight the good fight and be picky You have high expectations of yourself.

7) Start being grateful for everything-big and small. Life is full of hidden surprises, gems, and treasurers. Othertimes, they are rolled out on a red carpet. Regardless of size, each event, thing, person, etc. that's brought into your life has a purpose for being there. If you take the time to enjoy everything, then life will become better and you will become happier.

The Power of Words

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." If this quote doesn't sound familiar to you, then welcome to the 1990s. Otherwise, you've read one of the most overused quotes I heard growing up. How many times could someone recite this quote like a broken record? After a while, the same song and dance doesn't cut it. Once I realized how the puppet show operated, I wanted to throw sticks and stones at the quote and at each person who said it. 

When I look at the quote, it is flawed. How can sticks break bones? Is the stick thrown on the ground and someone trips over it? Was the stick jammed in my skin? How hard was the stone thrown at me? Did I puposely walk over stones as a child? Sticks and stones breaking bones sounds terrible, but the deceit from the quote is worse. How can someone say words never hurt? After a while, words do hurt. "You have cancer." " You did not get into the Ph.D. program, the program that will change your entire life." "You are the cause of my pain and anguish." I don't know what you think, but these words would hurt me.

Someone may argue that words only have value if importance is placed on them. I can agree with the argument. I still stand by the fact that words can hurt. However, I also know words can help us become happy, self-sufficient, and confident people. Words can be used for promoting peace and tranquility. Words can inspire someone to create a new project, give confidence to a person who is scared to take the bold steps necessary to progress in life, and give courage to those who are freightened.

If someone is struggling to find hope and strength (including you), these statements may be the key(s) to success for them (and you):

You can do it.

Now is not the time to give up. 

You've come so far. You owe it to yourself to finish what you've started.

I am proud of you.

You are already good. You have the potential to be great.

Trust Your Teammate

Team, team, team! Go team go! Great teamwork! How often do you hear these phrases? Do you jump on the bandwagon and cheer, mutter inappropriate sentences, or are you indifferent?  After you answer the question, think as to why you answered the question the way you did. Did past experiences inform your answer? It's quite possible, but I don't want to speak for you.

Growing up, I despised working on a team. Before jumping to conclusions, I would like to clarify a few things. No, I was not lazy, a free loader, social loafer, incompetent, bored, or too stupid to make decisions. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I did at least 95% of the work at least 95% of the time. Sure, I enjoyed being in charge of my destiny, but it was exhausting! It didn't bother me when others would declare their lack of passion. However, it did bother me when lack of passion became lack of production. It didn't matter how many times I voiced my concerns or the concerns I voiced. All that mattered was that my "team" and I received the same grade/outcome at the end of the day. Needless to say, my experiences working on a team were not positive.

Over time, I became accustomed to doing everything. It was perfectly natural to see my teammates as abled bodied people that could mouth words as instructed. I found the loophole in the phrase "There's no "I" in team." If you look closely at the word team (in a different font style), you can find the hidden "i" in the middle of the "a." Since this mentality was well past its infancy, trusting others to help on a team was not an option. I would be guilt-ridden and would spend my time complaining about working on a team.

About a year ago (10 months and a week to be exact), my boyfriend and I became official. During the relationship, we have learned a lot about each other. One thing we have taught each other (without realizing it till recently) is that a solid relationship cannot survive without the other teammate. We both spent ample time feeling guilty about receiving help from anyone. However, we realized we could not be the best versions of ourselves if we held onto the guilt. We are still growing together, but I can honestly say we have thrown guilt in the trash can and trust the other person to be the best teammate s/he can be.

If this post hits home, then I want you to remember one thing: there are people who are as willing and eager to be a good teammate as you. Passionate, driven, and self-sufficient people do exist in the world. Life will throw people at you who are the opposite. However, if you can tame your feelings when you find gold, then you will be better for the experience. If you know of someone who is this way, please share this post with them. Who knows? You could change someone's life.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

How's your day going? Did you receive life changing news? Are you anticipating good news? Does life feel like "bleh" today? Regardless, how is your day going? If you were to describe it to me, what would you say? I will select 3 categories of words. Pick which category applies to you: 1) Awesome, amazing, and fantastic; 2) Not great, could've been better, and it was okay; or 3) Crappy; a big ball of you know what, and don't even ask!

Everyone has days that are good, bad and ugly. Some days overflow with ugly feelings and events. No matter what you do or how hard you try, everything turns into a disaster. Your day may be filled with the bad. Good things did happen, but they weren't enough to counteract the bad. "Everything went fine until I received a speeding ticket. Afterwards, I went home and found out I didn't get the promotion I wanted."

The beauty of life is that there is good mixed in with the bad and ugly. Sometimes, life doesn't throw lemons at us. It will throw hot sauce, wasabi, mouth wash, mud, spoiled milk, and rotten eggs at us. Fortunately, you can avoid these substances and live a good life.

How can you live a good life? It's simple: focus on the good things that happen to you. You may have 10 bad things that happen, but the 1 good thing can counteract it. For example, if your entire day felt like you should have slept in the pig pen, but you fall asleep next to the partner you love, then the good outweighs the bad. If your children drive you crazy, but they give you the cutest face and it makes you melt, then the good outweighs the bad.

Focusing on the good in life may be easy for some and difficult for others. I am not saying to solely focus on the good. The bad and ugly are bound to happen to you at one point or another. You can control how your day is if you focus your energy on the good. Who knows? Maybe each day could end up being a good day.

Making Mountains out of Molehills

When's the last time you were face-to-face with a tough situation? What did you do? How did you react? Once it was over, what did you learn from the situation? Throughout your life, you will be faced with many tough situations. Some can be conquered in a day; others may take weeks, months, years, or possibly a lifetime.

If you are currently face-to-face with a tough situation, how much credit do you give it? Think about it. Do you give the situation more credit than it is actually worth? Is the situation exaggerated exponentially? Are the characters in the situation important enough to fear?

I wish you could physically put your situation in front of a mirror and see it for what it is. If I were to take the situations I've experienced in the past, I saw situaitons that were bigger than myself, possibly larger than life. They consumed my thoughts like black poisonous cancer taking over my body before I could count to 5. All I could think about was how poorly I was treated, which helped me to justify my thoughts, making them bigger than what they were. My thoughts diminished my qualities and minimzed my accomplishments. Needless to say, it was unhealthy and contagious.

Luckily, contagious thoughts can be changed. As I have grown as a person, I have learned to let molehills stay molehills, rather than letting them turn into mountains. As a self-sufficient person, I saw this as an opportunity to become a better person. I rely on my strengths and support system to guide me. Through internal and external guidance, I started at a place I think is manageable. I chose to shift my paradigm and look at tough situations through a different lens. Instead of looking at people and things as scary, intimidating, and bigger tham myself, I've decided to stop giving them more credit than they're worth. With this mindset, I am able to see the good in tough situations.

Life can be daunting disheartening, and can take a toll on one's self-esteem. However, if you place your situations in front of the mirror of your mind and look at them for what they're truly worth, it will help to bring peace and prosperity to your life. Life doesn't have to be a huge mountain that is inconquerable. Let your tough situations stay moleholes and watch your life transform before your eyes.

Humility is a Virtue

When's the last time you were thankful for a good situation? Now, when's the last time you were thankful for a bad situation? Looking at the two questions, which one was easier to answer? Most likely, the first question was easier to answer. It's easy to be thankful when life events go our way. However, when life pulls the carpet from under your feet, it can test and question everything you know.

In my life, I have had to work hard for everything; nothing has been handed to me. In fact, if someone earns something good, I have to work at least 10 times harder to achieve the same goal. It's not that I am lazy. In fact, it is the exact opposite. There are days I question why I have to work harder than most people I know. It can be disheartening, frustrating, and exhausting.

Currently, I am at a point in my life where there are many variables up in the air that could alter or change my life forever. Outcomes I thought would happen have turned out differently. I wonder why I am placed in situations when my talents and work ethic would say otherwise. However, I continue to remind myself that life will work itself out. I know it is not my place to question why life events happen to me.

In an effort to become a better person, I am looking at my current situations from a different paradigm. Instead of wondering why certain situations happen to me, I look at them and question what I can control, my motives behind the situations, and whether I am learning humility. Humility keeps me grounded, puts life into a different perspective, and has taught me to question myself in a new way.

Right now, the lesson I am learning is that I must be humble in situations that test me in order to truly appreciate when favorable outcomes happen. It is not easy, but it has helped me to become a well-rounded human being. Also, I know, at the end of the day, my work ethic, desire, and perseverence will take me far in life. I may be frustrated, but I know everything works itself out at the end of the day.